Day 5 Paris: Saturday

Quite a number of shops close today and the weather was warmer too.

Early morning raid of Le Pharmacies only to discover not all pharmacies are created equal. The price differences can range from 3-6 eur!

Passages Couverts - following the lonely planet walking guide.
lovely boutiques in Palais Royal
Lunch at Frenchie To Go - Fish & Chips, Lobster roll & pulled pork sandwich
Then on to Left Bank - Jardin du Luxembourg; an aborted attempt as they close the park at 4.15 pm! (opening hrs 8.15 to 4.15
Stopped by at Angelina adjacent to Musee Du Luxembourg
Early diner at Huîterie Regis 12 oysters ( Les Fines de Claires & Les Spéciales de Claires from the West Coast of France Marennes-Olégrons near Bourdeux) with Sancerre white wine and espresso. Superb!

Day 4 Paris

Friday

Le Marais District
Place Des Vosges
Vert D'Absinthe
Au Passage for lunch
Centre De Pompidou

Day 3 Paris

A day of climbing up and down endless stairs, discovering the French pharmacie, adventure in Metro/RER with scary crazy or drunk (or both) French dude following us. Quaint Ille de Cite and more friendly ebullient French waiters.

11.12.13 Day 2 Paris

Highlights:
Greek marble statues of Gods and Goddesses in the Louvre.
Christmas decorations around Rue de Rivoli and Place Vendome

Meals:
Lunch @ Le Souffle
Dinner @ Le Petit Machon (Lyonnaise cuisine)

Day 1 Paris

Arrived at 6.30am to 0 degree weather; misty breath is fun :)

Trip into Paris by cab took a while as we were stuck in early morning rush hour traffic. Oh, don't mess with Parisienne drivers, they are very aggressive and not only was our cab in a minor fender bender, but we also saw a motorcycle rider knocked down by a utility van (but he was certainly a-ok, he popped up to angrily confront the van driver). The ride took abt an hour plus. The cab driver though not good in English was friendly and quizzed us on basic French words when he heard us practising in the cab.

Finding the apartment was easy and check in was a breeze. Apartment is nice enough and well sound and weather-proofed. Location is good as well being just parallel to the shopping belt of Rue de Rivoli and steps away from the major metro exchange Chatelet Les Halles.

Took a much needed rest for an hour or 2 then out to look for lunch. walked along Rue St. Honore and finally stepped into Cez Gladines - a canteen like bistrot serving Basque cuisine. I had the Poulet Basquisse and Bran the Entrecôte with herbs. Mains were about 10-13eur, decent food with delicious Rioja wine.

Then off we went strolling along Rue de Rivoli all the way down to Louvre and on to Jardin des Tuilleries and Place de Concorde with the obelisk and Eiffel Tower & Arch de Triomphe shimmering in the distance in setting sunlight. Louvre even from the outside is magnificent (You almost don't need to go in as it is covered with engravings/mouldings, sculptures and grand doors)

Jardin des Tuileries in sunset is such a lovely wide open space with petit fountains surrounded by iconic green lounging chairs filed with Parisiennes (and tourists) catching the last rays of sun while braving chilly weather. It's an idyllic space and I can see why the Parisiennes love it. Despite being winter, it seems likes it's autumn in the city with many trees still clinging on to their golden leaves. The sunrise and sunset colours are also magnificent; all pastel pinks and purples and soft yellows and oranges. With the short winter days, sunset begins at around 4pm with the city getting dark by 5pm. Kind off disorienting at first since we feel like it's dinner time by 5 but the restaurants only open for dinner at earliest 7.30pm.

4 hours in the cold took it's toll on me and I had freezing hands an hour into our walk which leather wool lined gloves could not thaw. And yet everyone else looks so comfortable and not at all cold - hm, must figure out warmer 'strategy'. So we we're pretty tired after our long walk and on the way home stopped by Pattisserie/Bolangerie Gossellin and Julien just doors away from us for pastries. They are not much for browsing it seems as the customers seemed to walk in knowing exactly what they wanted. We had a canelle and apricot tart from Julien and a framboisse pastry and Roquefort quiche from Gossellin with wine from the neigborhood supermarche for dinner. Only later did I discover that we should have ordered the Baguette une tradition that all the other customers were getting. Well there us another 7 days! Right on our doorstep is also a charcuterie/tratieur, fruit & vegetable vendor and a Boucherie just waiting to be explored :)

Retired by 8.30pm, completely shattered.

Paris Museum 4-day pass: eur54 each
Cab ride eur65.30

Notes:
- Must be braver in going into restaurants,cafes, bistrots, pattiseries etc - who cares if the French laugh or roll their eyes at us?
- Warmer gear is essential! Keep bundled up even at the beginning when it seems pleasant and not so cold.

Cat walks over keyboard

It's hard to type with a busybody homicidal psycho jungle cat insisting on 'helping' :)

Hobbes is 5 months old and has been with us for just over 2 weeks now. He's an inquisitive little fellow who simply must investigate what we are up to at all times. He's also prone to attacking us; something I hope he grows out off!

It's been an interesting transition. So this must be what being a parent feels like - though I'm sure it's much worse with human children. It's tiring and very involving. But I have hope he will settle in and mellow out.

He IS soft and cuddly when he allows it, and those socks are to die for.

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December 7th; am feeling panicky and unprepared (probably because we aren't prepared). Only way to resolve this is through action.

So. Things are going to get done.

Luck Be a Lady

Uff. 

So many updates needed. But actually come to think of it, none are needed at all because this corner is virtually anonymous. Ah, happy now!

Brand spanking new (and terribly expensive) personal laptop requires that it be used for IMPORTANT STUFF. Yeah! Ok. Hm. So.

I don't know about you, but when someone calls me 'lucky' I always smell the stench of jealousy emanating from their words. And in the context of a professional environment it is unmistakable. I thought I'd left these people behind in the school yard but I suppose these juvenile self-proclaimed victims just grow up to be sorry-faced 'unlucky' adults. Somehow they never attribute it to their own doing and find every chance to decry their 'unfortunate' circumstances and begrudge us our 'fortunate' one. 

Dealing with people is a massive pain. Dealing with the same old tired personalities can take a toll and muddy what is an otherwise perfectly happy personal life. I find their petty lives tedious and boring as I'm sure they find mine too. This is the reason I try to keep work strictly separate from leisure. I almost never socialize with co-workers anymore outside of office hours. I also don't check my emails after I leave the office as I know I have trouble compartmentalizing and can easily start worrying and sliding into a bad mood during my off hours.

Having a room to myself at work is also a stress reliever; a private room for a private mind. Plus I can shut them out whenever I want to. I hate that I am still bothered by what others think of me even when I know exactly how unremarkable they all are and can equate that to the worthiness of their opinions. Possibly because there is a grain of truth sometimes? But still, I don't pretend to be free of failings, so why can't I be allowed my inadequacies without criticism? Who are they to judge? All these small people leading small lives and trying their damn-est to be less inconsequential by hacking away spitefully at the 'lucky' ones. 

And they have the nerve to wonder why I am distant.

Now if you called me lucky in my personal life, I'd have to agree with you. Blind luck it is, and after all this while I'm still amazed. How indeed did I get so lucky?

A.D.D.

2.30am. The more anxious you are to sleep, the less likely it will come.

Is it possible to contract A.D.D. and dyslexia at this age? Isn't it supposed to be a developmental problem, ie something you have as a child and not when you're in your 30's? Oh my poor brain, you vex me so!

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The thing about journal writing is that it's a point in time capture. So despite the passing of years which possibly (probably) has affected a change of heart or mind, that point remains immortalized. Frozen like a fly in amber. Codified as doctrine.

Looking back and reflecting isn't necessarily wise. How do you know what to believe? What is still true and what has evolved? Which of the bad has turned to good and which of the good has turned to bad? Reconciling the then and the now is both confusing and futile.

A thought struck me that day. I have spent an enormous amount of time, years upon years, thinking about something that should have been in the bag. A done deal. A resolved case. And yet, here I am still expanding tremendous energy ruminating, mulling over, agonizing. What a colossal waste.

This is time I could have spent plotting to take over the world. And I might even have achieved that by now!

Doubt. Fear. Self-delusion.

That reminds me, I need to read Betrand Russell's 'New hopes for a changing world'.

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("Am I sleepy yet?", my A.D.D. brain asks.)

Soundbites

The one thing they really need to have on Blogger is the ability to lock certain posts and make it private or for a certain audience only. How is something so basic still not a standard feature? 

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I'm tempted to summarize the past 3 years in one paragraph, but oh man, why bother? Leave it a mystery.

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I was thinking the other day that the existential crisis-es of the 20's are over and I've ushered in the age of materialism/consumerism. Gone are the plaintive cries of "Who am I?" and "What does it all mean?!!" and in their place is "What can I buy?", "Where do I want to go?" and "What shall I do with my leisure time?". I still haven't found my calling so to speak, but it has somehow ceased to matter for some time now. As long as the work that funds the pleasurable activities do not intrude in the partaking of those activities, I'm quite a happy camper. 

The situation may have something to do with having reached my comfortable earning point. Sure people will always say that more is better. But I think when people reach that point where they have no pain and find themselves with more than enough to go around, whatever made up ambition they once had for a job that inspires no passion just fades away. I'm not at all ashamed to admit this. I'll always be very good at what I do, but I don't aspire to greatness, not because it's hard but because I don't care enough.

Oh what a a fat cat I've become.

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There aren't any good bloggers to read anymore. No one has an original thought in their head nor the ability to form a witty turn of phrase. No one is funny and self-deprecating while still being insightful of the (their) human condition.

Of course I exagerate, but whiny kids moaning in post after post about their trivial concerns and inconsequential lives puts me in a murderous frame of mind. 

Violence is the answer! :)

 

Dealing

It's been 3 plus weeks by rough calculation since it all began. Started early September. I'm thinking write therapy might help me work through the difficult situation better. Having heart palpitations and sudden cold fear when under stress has started to worry me. Only now has the realization dawned on me of the extent to which I'm woefully ill-equipped to handle extreme stress.

My mother is battling depression and I'm struggling to handle it and my reactions to it. It's been a week plus since she started her medication, I still regret not getting her started on it earlier. I know I'm not the one going through it but the worry, stress and fear makes me want to run for the hills so I won't have to deal with the pain and bleakness. I want it to be gone, I want out of the worry and anxiety. I know the facts, I know the time it's going to take, I know we are doing all we can but I can't help but want it fixed now so I can breathe and smile again without a care. It is selfish I know, but right now I'm afraid. Not of death but of the pain and suffering.

Worrying to the point of anxiety is too much. Anxiety to the point I'm sleep deprived is too much. I've also noticed a slight fear when I go to bed alone at night.

Dealing with the worry and anxiety is paramount, can't let it get out of hand. I find little enjoyment in anything and trying to distract myself is very temporary. I have this feeling that enjoying anything is somehow wrong when my mum is suffering and so is my dad the care giver. I know this is ridiculous, I am here and they are there, what's worrying and mopping going to do to help them?

In a few days I'm off for a wedding overseas, my sister will be the one going back this weekend. Yet I wonder if i can quit worrying. It takes time, time, time, I repeat this mantra to my mum and dad and yet I'm the one with the major difficulty accepting it. Accepting my powerless-ness to speed time up, and to lessen their suffering.

I have to learn to DEAL with this effectively. I'm not doing anyone any favours, not myself and certainly not them. And also my darling hun who's been my patient hero throughout. He's had to deal with an anxiety-ridden, sad and listless me day in day out. He encourages me and gives me practical advice which I know is sound, but the execution of which I'm failing at as yet. I told him with this trial it gives me perspective at least, how the many petty things I used to fret about at him I would gladly give anything to have again. And then I would take those petty things throw them away and rejoice at being so lucky and happy just to have each other.

I'm planning to write everyday if possible to work out my fears and anxiety through this period. To remind myself that whatever will happen, will happen and in fact has already happened, the path is already layed out. One step at a time, we're heading towards the inevitable.

Things to do:
1. Finding out if my company has any medical insurance coverage for parents of employees.

This ill ease will pass in a day or two. The ill ease of a post-disagreement despite it being 'sorted'. An ill ease of having been disagreeable in the first place and then taking so long to claw back to sanity. A guilt that's hard to displace and reconcile in every after.

Sometimes it feels like I'm standing back coolly watching as the other me does all the wrong things.

So in this murky mire I wander upon photos of people I'll never know and they're all happy, well-adjusted. It seems so easy for them. Then a shard of cold sharp fear pierces through and I am more troubled than before. I look at how little it took and find it hard not to despair.

No skeletons in my closet. How about yours?

One really shouldn't leave evidence lying around.

But even so I'm not sure it bothers me. Obviously it was removed (hidden?) so it wouldn't, but right now it's just a big yawn to me. Probably because I'd figured all along. What's more interesting is that I was right. Big deal.

And it's me that's supposed to be sneaking around, being mysterious and hiding things? How ironic. But still, not at all surprising.

I'm not upset, not right now. But who knows, maybe my indignance will get the better of me.

So. What's else don't I know? (And I'm tempted to say who cares anyway?)

The point Dr. Watson, and I'm sure you'll agree is that it was kept away in the first place.

Workspace

All's quiet on the work front. Getting into gear after the long break was a pain though.

Though I wish I could crack the whip to get some butts moving, I have to work within the confines of playing the amiable cheerleader that never tires or loses patience in 'encouraging' them to do as I ask. Quite the opposite of my usual 'Tell you once, and I'd better not have to tell you again' attitude. Blergh.

Things work differently here, there's little to no respect for the sanctity of project accountibility, planning, timelines and deliverables. It's because they (we) are in an operational environment which centers around routine day to day activities which as my higher up would say comes first before all else. It's a paradigm shift for me as I've spent years working on 'projects' however big or small, and operational work was never something I had encountered.

It definitely has it's pro's; no one ever has reason to stress out. The day begins and ends at exactly the same time, and work stays in the office and never needs to be brought home. If you're efficient and follow processes to a T, you'll do great. But even I can see that that will not get anyone anywhere. It's the side-projects based on operational improvement or customer satisfaction that will differentiate the project manager from the rest. The highest chance of learning things that can add value here and elsewhere are also in the projects.

Someday (soon? latter?) I will have to face the facts and decide, but for now I'm enjoying my time in the cool shade, sitting on the wooden bridge, with dangling legs and toes twirling patterns in the lazy stream...

Thinking

I can never get my head straight enough to write. The moment I feel like writing, my mind takes off in a million different directions rending me effectively paralyzed.

It's the end of a long 4 day weekend and I've put off work I brought home to do which means I've been having Tuesday blues on Monday, heh. Would have easily solved the problem just by doing the work rather than mopping about it eh? Should do a lot of things I put off. Like cleaning the house, like planning The Holiday, like having lunch with ex-colleagues, like visiting the friends new house and a million other things I've avoided.

He said I must not love him anymore. It would seem so wouldn't it, when I come home and am not happy to see him? No smile, no hug. That occured to me to. How can you snap at someone you loved only a moment ago?

I give women a bad name. You couldn't tell from my public face, but honestly the mood swings ( if that is what they are) which only he sees, are whiplash-quick. I find the reason(s) difficult to pin down. I get confused about which was the source and which ones developed or where dredged up as a result of the downward spiral. They just keep compounding, confounding.

I said I needed to think, to figure my behaviour out. But then immediately after that the storm passed and we've spent the past 2 days in blissful peace. Camraderie regained, smiles and hugs all round. Who knows how long it will last? And so it is and has always been.

I'm running out of things to say, reasons or excuses to give, advice to receive, solutions to dream up and try (and forget and abandon it would seem). The love is implicit. So why doesn't it work all the time? What am I doing wrong? What in fact is the matter with me? This is something 3 plus years together hasn't resolved.

I am the luckiest girl in the world. Really. Now how not to screw it up?

Freeing my mind

"When the sea is rough, sediment is churned up and the water becomes murky, but when the wind dies down the mud gradually settles and the water becomes clear."

So concludes day one of meditation. Not too easy to begin with, but ear plugs help to block out noise and amplify the sound of breathing and heartbeats that I then used to concentrate on. Still am able to feel pain though, my usual back ache reared it's head and strange stomach pangs were felt. I read somewhere though that these symptoms could be the body reacting to the act (meditation) of releasing stress. Strangest thing though, when I finally opened my eyes I felt light-headed and taller! Well not exactly taller but probably because it felt like I was floating. Nice.

Heh, thoughts that intruded included disembodied voices repeating intructions how-to and getting excited about telling him that I'd begun trying it out.

"If we train our mind to become peaceful we shall be happy all the time, even in the most adverse conditions, but if our mind is not peaceful, then even if we have the most pleasant external conditions we shall not be happy."

That struck me. I consider myself to be in 'pleasant external circumstances' but have somehow not been able to find lasting contentment, quite the opposite in fact. It's always lead to so much grief, guilt and self-loathing that I'm unable to be grateful and happy when I have every reason to be. Always leading myself in a one way path to self-destuction.

Note to self: Must not engage in ponderous activity and further thinking right after meditating. Stopping now.

"What a wild beast you be.." - DMB

Coming to terms with duality, the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome, or worse, multiple personalities? Hm.

Case in point; I've been saying goodbye for the last 2 months, lamenting his pending (at that time) absense incessantly but at the same time I looked forward to it sometimes, often when I was angry but also when I wasn't. Today there were no tears and his comforting words unnecessary. Oh it's nothing sinister really, it's just that it's not as long as the last time and time apart can be good. Funny how on my own I'm a mellower version of the hypersensitive creature I am when we're together. I'm less of the me he knows. A me who is very tiresome to both of us. I certainly confound him by one day telling him that I'm tired of him being around all the time and the next day saying I wish we had more waking hours to spend together. My poor hun, I can see his eyes rolling back in his head!

It's the push and pull in equal measure. I wish I could fully explain how the both are true at exactly the same time. Maybe it's the same way that light has the paradoxial nature of both waves and photons.

[Delete]

I hate my life. Why can't I get a break? Why can't things just go my way? Why don't I know what my way is?

Feel like I'm toeing the angry line of resentment. One day soon I'm going to fall face down in the bitterness I'm keeping at bay.

No positive thoughts tonight. Screw positive thoughts, they're just so tiring. Oftentimes I'm just holding my breath and blanking my mind to stop the negativity from flooding in.

Most days I'm genuinely happy for other people and other times it's pure resentment which of course is stupid because their successes have nothing to do with me.

I'm sick of life and screwing up and how it's screwed me. I don't ever want to be positive again if none of it is true. A false positive. No wonder my subconscious rebels against it. No wonder it's so easy to lose all happy feelings at the drop of a hat.

And I always want to run away, firstly from everyone and everything I know , but mostly from myself.

Watching the ticking clock

..literally.

Feeling hungry (only just). Hunger is such an immediate thing isn't it? No slow building or gradual acknowledgement, just a sudden pang and that's it; must-have-food-now! it cries. But I digress as much as my stomach begs to differ.

It's late in the night, or early morning and I should sleep if only so I can get up early enough not to miss any important calls that could change my situation. But I sit and stare and idly surf, get up and pace watched by quiet walls, lie back and fluctuate from calm to anxienty, to sadness, to self-pity/self-loathing, to bouts of crying, to pits of despair, to hopefulness, to optimism and back and forth, and back and forth again.

I stand by what I said, but I still need to examine things thoroughly. There is an area of immediate concern, but if I get rid of it, will there be any remaining issues uncovered? The kinds of issues that could be real deal-breakers if they can't be resolved. I don't know yet what they might be but there is only one way to find out. So that is the first step, with your help and my helping myself.

I've always known though that in principles we are fundamentally the same. Which is why I say that trust should be a non-issue. I trust myself completely without exceptions and I should afford that same level of trust to you and vice-versa. While we will never be able to prove beyond a doubt the other's trustworthiness, for some reason I am certain that you and I live by the same rules. In this one respect I will never waver. And it is not a chore my dear, not something I have to remind myself of, it is as natural as breathing and it is a joy to have you in an imaginary cartoon bubble wherever I go, whomever I see, whatever I do. There has only been you, not even in the worst of times has this changed. And sadly I can not convince you enough, this is something you must realise on your own. But when you need me to repeat it I will, till the day it becomes a refrain that resonates from within you.

What dreams may come

I've been inundated with dreams. Unfortunately not the waking kind with aspirations of the future but the kind you have when sleep overtakes.

And I've had all kinds over the years, those that retell the past, foretell the future (yes, I've had those a few times) and most recently a barrage of those that are for want of a better word, vivid. It's so real it could be really happening. Everything in slow motion so that every word, every nuance, every action and reaction is felt keenly, deeply, truthfully. If only they were happy then it'd be a joy to remember each detail in technicolour when waking hour comes round.

The logical side of me says I shouldn't put any stock in it, after all the dreams are not of actual events and neither is there any indication that they are premonitions of the future. But I find it hard to let it go and dismiss it as meaningless drivel product of an over active imagination and a renegade subconsious. This is simply because of the emotion spent in its vivid throes were more real than real. They weren't very convoluted either, each scene, each message was crystal clear.

I know what I should do of course, face the deeper issues I may have rather than consuming them whole and leave the waking reality unscathed by my fictional hurt. That would be easier if the content of this most recent one wasn't so transparent that my ego would deny it to the death and will probably not survive a retelling. And the prospect of having it dismissed summarily doesn't encourage either.

In case you were thinking that you are exempt from such folishness, haven't you ever been disturbed by a dream? Something you find hard to shake off even days after the fact?

I have no conclusions. I guess we wait for it to pass, for the world to intrude with distractions and wipe out the neccesary.

On the playlist

Lifehouse
Live
Radiohead
Dashboard Confessional
Semisonic
Zero 7
Heaven
Collective Soul
Fuel

..are some of the bands I'm re-listening at the moment. There's a derth of new bands or releases from old bands worth paying any attention to right now. Either that or trawling through the indie playlists for gems is a daunting task for this lazy ass. Heh, probably more of the latter rather than former. Still a quick check of the latest playlists reveal Kyte and The Scripts as promising bands. Yup, time to hunker down and give them a test drive.