On not being tied down

(written 5 months ago)

My bedroom is a testimony to my non-committal nature. But as recent as yesterday there has been this burgeoning feeling that I want this to change. Get committed, even if it is only to furniture. That would be a start.

Everything about me is about non-committance (there is no such word, I looked!). It’s all about not making concrete decisions, things that would tie me down. I always have the backdoor open just in case. After all these years of being on my own and earning my own keep, I have scarcely anything to show for it. All my possessions could fit into a car. Of course one could argue that possessions are not everything, but they do indicate a level of ‘settled-ness’ of being your own person, an indication that you don’t expect everything to be temporary and therefore have taken every pain to prepared for that eventuality.

Case in point, look at how long it took me to decide to buy a car! It’s my only significant possession (though technically the finance company still owns it till I complete my payments). The only reason I finally got it is due to my sister’s insistence and nagging. If it were up to me I’d still be procrastinating a few years on and finding all sorts of reasons why I shouldn’t get a car (“I should hold out for a newer model”, “I should wait until finances improve”, “Public transport is still do-able”, etc, forever and ever Amen.) And right till the end when I signed on the dotted line, I was still trying to back out of it.

Why this feeling that everything is transient, that I need to have a fall back plan, just in case things go south overnight? It applies to everything: work, relationships, living arrangements, possessions (or the lack of them). Amazing. What kind of life is this? I want the creature comforts, and I could afford it, but I live minimally and in relationships I have struggled in the past to have optimism and trust in someone else and not doubt and prepare for the worst all the time. I think I’m being smart, streetwise perhaps. But it seems like a half life, to what end this?

Mid-afternoon

A lull, probably temporary, in the workday.

A lull, possibly permanent, in the brain.

Heh.

I’m getting cross-eyed with sleepiness. The monitor stretches and blurs and the words swim lazily overlapping each other.

I spent time today contemplating the city skyline lost in endless possibilities. We will find something I know if I don’t stress out too much and sink in expectations. I’ve thought about this for so long I even have the image and accompanying aura burned into my head. And somehow by this I know that it will work out for us, one step at a time.

Exclamation Marks!

I can’t stop yawning!

It is Monday! How bad or good it and the following days will be depends on a decision which will be made by noon.

Noun: allegory ‘alu`guree is my new favourite word! Don’t you just love how it makes your tongue roll and how it sounds so foreign?!

I’m so sleepy!

Salary’s out tomorrow! And it includes an as yet mysterious amount of annual increment and bonus!

(I’m still yawning!)

Legitimacy

I never thought I’d say this but I’ve been thinking about legitimacy. The pressure that society puts on people to conform to a set of sociably acceptable rules dictated and indoctrinated by religion, tradition and so called ‘good’ moral values.

I know what I want and while I wish away at idle moments with abandon, I hesitate to take any step in that direction because I know how difficult it is going to be to face everyone’s reaction. Wish as hard as we might, we aren’t islands and at some point or another I will have to either work hard at hiding the reality of choices I might make or boldly risk facing awkward reactions, disapproving arguments or stony judgmental silences. And yet I know that what I want and what I would love to have is harmless, it’s just society that would swiftly condemn. After all, how can something that makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone, be wrong? I have to save so many people’s faces and take care of all their sensibilities that it’s ridiculous.

In any given situation in the past I would have invariably determined that what other people think doesn’t matter and just gone on my merry way. But this time I just don’t know. I do not want to end up isolating and being angry at myself because I have allowed other people to make me feel guilty.

And so I find myself not broaching the subject with the party involved though I think about it often enough and have made a hobby of collecting minor reasons here and there to justify not making that choice.

If only I could find the balls to thumb my nose at society and say “This is my life, if you can’t deal, so be it!”

Working girl: Another day in the life

Work’s been brutal. And I’m actually used it. The familiarity certainly doesn’t stop me from complaining before I resign myself to the same old, same old but strangely enough I laughed more today than I do on (rare) slow days. Maybe I’ve developed a way of taking my mind off things for a little while.

Anyway, back to work. Yesterday was the first time the thought of quitting crossed my mind since I joined this company. It was in the middle of probably the worst external meeting I had ever sat through. But it wasn’t born of a juvenile emotional reaction when faced with difficulty. In fact it was more of a calm realization.

I think what got to me most was the snide comments from our working partner. I understand that they were venting their frustrations at the wrong party but because I could see their point it made me feel embarrassed to be representing my company. And that was the reason the thought crossed my mind: I don’t want to be associated with a company management lacking in sound decision making and high standards in professionalism.

As the Chinese say, I “lost face”.

I might not love what I do, but I take pride in doing a good job. So while it wasn’t personal, I felt the sting all right and I don’t want it to happen again. But when so very little is in your power to change, what can you do?

Thing is I really want to avoid looking for another job. I simply don’t feel I have the strength to start over.

Maybe at 28 going on 29, I’m just too old a dog to be learning new tricks that I don’t care about.

(And in case you’re reading hun, no, this isn’t it! :p )

2 Floors down

We’ve made the move to our new office digs today. It is very white, quite warm, filled with heady fumes and for the moment very noisy with all the construction still going on.

We have a few balconies, which makes the smokers ecstatic, and will come in handy should any of us feel like hurling ourselves or others to their deaths during the workday. Neat.

The downside is that we now share the same office space as HR, and for someone who’s never on time, this will prove a challenge, much stealth will be required ;).

Lyrics stuck in my head

“I’m getting old and I need something to rely on…

And if you have a minute,

Why don’t we go,

Talk about it,

Somewhere only we know.”

Keane – Somewhere only we know

***

“This is the way you left me,

I’m not pretending,

No hope, no love, no glory,

No happy ending.”

Mika – Happy Ending

***

Yup, mainstream at its best.

Wake me up before you go, go.

The sound of the alarm clock this morning was like a (very loud) herald of impending doom. I’d been away from the office so long that I’d almost forgotten what it’s like to be unceremoniously awoken from peaceful slumber at an ungodly hour. Blame it on many idyllic late nights and even later mornings, or make that afternoons, heh.

The situation at work is pretty dire now that my third (within the span of 1 year!) and newest boss has moved on to greener pastures after only 1 month with the company. I joke that the reason she left was that I drove her to desperation, but when yet another colleague asks me who’s going to help them with numerous proposals in the pipeline, it’s with very little humour that I reply with “Me, myself and I”.

When it comes to work, one thing has become clearer with time though, more and more I want to be less and less like my colleagues. I don’t want work that I do not love to become my entire life. I don’t want to slave from sun up to sun down (and then some) for something I consider just a means to support my lifestyle. I don’t want it to eat into my free time. I don’t want a promotion as I have had more than I can handle for the past year though it would be nice to have a title that denotes seniority. Just give me more money and move along.

Sigh.

So I’m still looking for that grand passion though, that thing for which I will not need and alarm clock to wake me up to do.

And your opinion matters because?

Just the other day amidst scrambling with a proposal (yet again!) some idiot interrupted me. This despite me putting on my most foreboding ‘don’t-mess-with-me-I-have-no-time-for-you-unless-you-require-the-Heimlich-
manouvere-performed-on-you-pronto!’ face. I could see him hovering at the corner of my eye, circling closer and closer, just waiting to interject when I relaxed my expression a little bit.

After pleasantries and business cards were exchanged during which I gave him the world’s most fake smile designed to shoo away pesky bugs, he proceeded to interrogate and give me career advice. Yes, you heard right. In less than a minute of meeting an outsider in my own office, he has proclaimed that I must step up the ladder and move to a multinational company. If I wasn’t so stunned at his audacity, I would have laughed my head off. This stranger who could very well be younger than I am making a snap decision as to where my career path lies and has the cheek to nod gravely and encourage me to seriously consider it.

This is only the second time something like this has ever happened to me. The other time I bumped into this new recruit from another department on his first day, at the photocopy machine. He took a peek at the proposal I was making a copy of then told me with utter seriousness that it would be a difficult proposal to write even though he admitted that he himself had no experience in the subject matter. For the whole time I was there making the copy, I struggled to look polite as he tried to drive home his point and seemed genuinely worried about my capabilities (or the lack of it I suppose). And all this after just saying hello to me for the first time and having no idea what I do. I walked off with as much dignity as I could muster while cursing him under my breath. Heh. You wouldn’t believe that we’re friends now and he has since apologized when I chastised him about his tactless opening performance.

I guess some people just lack the brain cells that modulate timing and appropriate behaviour.

Perspective

Funny how a review of the past can bring you to a different conclusion of your actions and those of others in the light of new experience. Things I thought were innocent and harmless are only ‘technically’ so now (if you’re calculative and very dumb), but for all intents and purposes damage was done whether those it was perpetrated against know about it or not. And I am sorry though the person who should hear it can never know nor would ever appreciate hearing it. Now I can put myself in someone else’s shoes and know it was wrong, no matter how smugly I thought that I did the right thing in the end, it was only barely so and not nearly enough by any standards.

It hasn’t stopped, this looking back and reviewing what I thought was settled and done with. It doesn’t mean that anything is resurrected, far from it, most of these things are deader than dead, just that the conclusions that I neatly tied them up with bear rethinking now and again.

In hindsight, insight.

The day that was

Valentine’s dinner was lovely.

It was the whole new experience of doing the expected, of having reservations at a fully booked Japanese restaurant that was appropriately decked out for the occasion. It was finding that with the 6 course dinner (:!) we could have our portrait taken and I had a complimentary gift as well. It was the delight that my hun had also arranged a surprise for me though the waitress was less than discreet resulting in my discovery of said surprise before the appropriate time!

But mostly it was being with, looking at and holding the dearest man one could wish for. I do believe I’ve never seen him smile so much at me ever! This made me wish even then at the dinner that I could have been a better companion what with me being so sleepy and tired I had a tough time avoiding sliding off the chair and under the table. Forgive me hun, my timing sure sucks. Looking back, my lethargy was probably also the pre-cursor to spending the next 2 days sick in bed tenderly nursed by him. Yet another thing I can’t thank him enough for.

Big news is, in a moment of rash decision, I promised to cook for him next year. Me, cook! Hun, if the food turns out bland or has to be scrapped of the bottom of the pan, just be grateful if I don’t end up poisoning you ;). Oh boy, nose to the grindstone, just one year left to practice!

(Oh, almost forgot, I love you hun!)

Stuff on my mind

This will be a short list since I’m nodding off (Yes I’m in the office, and your point is?!!).

1. Valentine’s Day this Wednesday and a booking at a nice Japanese restaurant.

It really didn’t matter so much where or what we did, but it mattered a lot that he came up with the idea and actually called the restaurant up to determine our options before surprising me by broaching the subject. And for someone who doesn’t plan ahead, to tell me that he had been ‘thinking’ about it 2 weeks in advance was music to my ears. I’m certainly looking forward to it.

2. Welcoming the Year of the Pig with a week long holiday.

Plan for Day 1: Nothing

Plan for Day 2; Nothing

Plan for Day 3: Nothing

Plan for Day 4: Oh, you catch my drift :)

4. Moving office (Again!)

Well, technically just moving 3 floors down, which isn’t such a big deal except that I’m going to lose my very strategic ‘feng-shui-optimized’ (and by that obviously I mean I can blog and surf in peace, like duh!) current seating position. And it’s all the more painful because I endured many months in a very open space which seriously limited my ‘recreational’ activities, only to be promoted last month to this much coveted place to the envy of all my colleagues. The seating plan in the new office space hasn’t been allocated yet, but with my luck (and I have none) I will almost certainly be placed right under the nose of the big boss. I can just feel it in my bones; my days of blogging in the office are numbered…

"I am so much older than I can take...." - The Killers

I’m 29 years old this year.

Nope. No matter how often I repeat this to myself, it still hasn’t sunk in.

You see, I spent the better part of early 2007 reconciling myself to the fact (or at least I thought it was) that I would be turning 28 by the end of the year. And now it appears that I have in reality aged 1 year overnight! Oh the shock and horror of it all!

Funny thing is, my dear friend who pointed this out to me and made me do the match and all, also went around merrily proclaiming she would be 28 this year. There is obviously only one conclusion that can be drawn from this revelation: when you turn the ripe old age of 29, memory is the first to go. Not a surprise actually.

How could I have missed the signs? It was plain to see: all of a sudden the new recruits at work are younger than I am, the lines around my eyes are more prominent, oh, and don’t even get me started on the southward migration of my fleshy bits. Come to think of it, my weight gain probably has more to do with an age-induced slowdown of metabolism rate rather than my pleasant assumption that it was a by-product of happiness and being lovingly fed by my other half.

But the fact remains:

My mind and body are in decline!

My prime is over! (which really is extremely unfair since I don’t remember ever experiencing a ‘prime’, damnit!)

I have dwindled my youth away!

Erm…can you say drama queen?

Well at least this gives me the right to huff and puff and blow away the next person that dares to call me a ‘girl’. And yet I still feel like a kid. Being called a ‘woman’ is for grown-ups and I have such a long way to go.

29. Heh, can I even count that high anymore with my feeble brain?

Swirls in my coffee cup

The waiter must have been in love :)

(And if you see Mickey Mouse or Bugs Bunny or any Sesame Street characters instead, you must be blind, blind I tell you!)

4.30pm on a Monday

I feel like something different. I feel like dropping everything and flying off!

But then I think, ‘Oy, I hate packing”.

Heh ;)

When shopping is less than therapuetic

Sunday morning flea market excursion, success rating: zero. Nadda, Zilch. And I had such high hopes too.

The quest for decent, good-looking shoes that don’t cost a bomb is a lonely and immensely frustrating one. In and out of shoe shop after shoe shop for months only to be continually disappointed at the blandness and flimsiness of the wares on display. When I actually come across something I actually like I can predict the outcome when the salesgirl goes off to look for my shoe size, it’s inevitable, they would have just sold the last pair with my size and no, they will not be getting any new stock.

I have always thought that there is an every ready market for shoes. Women of all shapes and sizes love their shoes. It’s universal because while some clothes lines cater to women of a certain shape, making it especially hard for plus sized women to find clothes that fit, shoes for the most part are not so discriminatory. I know I would (almost) kill to have my pick of shoes that are stylish yet classic enough to not ever go out of style. And there shouldn’t be a trade-off when it comes to quality either. Hm, it’s times like these that I idly muse about opening my own shoe shop. I’d just need to source for the correct merchandise, the market is already waiting impatiently.

When I come to think of it actually, the same goes for clothes too. I’ve always preferred classic pieces to whatever is the current rage. I think women should learn to stick to whatever looks good on them and clothes that will not age rather than blindly following the waves of fashion. Case in point, what would possess any woman, no matter how shapely, to think she looked good in three quarter leggings? There is a reason this trend died out, resurrecting it probably means the fashion industry has run out of ideas. One should never wear anything they would be mortally embarrassed about when faced with old pictures of themselves. Of course there are times when trends do take a turn for the better, and produce as a result a ‘new classic’ so to speak. Unfortunately trends like these are few and far between.

This is obviously the rant of a dissatisfied shopper. People complain that there are too many malls in KL, but while I think there probably are enough, the problem lies in the imbalance between quantity and quality, we’re high on former but low on the latter. I wish there were a solution or a satisfactory conclusion to this dilemma, but I suspect that I (and those of you in the same boat) am destined to wander the malls forever searching in vain for that elusive shopper’s haven where clothes and shoes look and fit like a dream. Yeah, but for now, that is just what it is, a dream.

And if you think this is too melodramatic for something as frivolous as apparel, then you do not belong to my target demographic (read: you’re a guy).

Excerpts

First thing in the morning…

Colleague: “Why do you look so elegant today?”

Me: “Heh. You shouldn’t be surprised, I look ‘elegant’ everyday!”

Colleague: “No-oo, you sometimes dress quite casually actually”

Me: “*pauses*…Well, those are the days when I get up on the wrong side of bed”

(Smart-ass) Colleague: “Then you must get up on the wrong side of bed all the time!”

Me: (>_<)!!!!

****

A little later in the afternoon, an unexpected brush with the past…

Ex-Customer of Ex-company: “I thought you looked familiar! When did you join Company XXX?”

Me: “Oh, almost a year ago”

Ex-Customer of Ex-company: “So how has it been so far?”

Me: “Good, good” (Boss standing within earshot, an affirmative answer was required.)

Ex-Customer of Ex-company: “Must be, I see you’re glowing!”

Me: (^_^)!!!

***

I went swimming after work with my ex-colleague yesterday. Based on my calculations, it’s been almost 2 years since I last wore my swimsuit, and that was when I went diving. I’m glad it still fits, though it seems to have to stretch more to accommodate me! ;)

Curiosity killed the cat?

I read an article in today’s newspaper that I found interesting. It was about the link between unusual curiosity and a sense of well-being. “Trait curious” people, as psychologists’ call them, have an infinite sense of wonder and tend to delve deeply into things that interest them. Incidentally these interests are wide and varied, and they often get lost in the focus of their attention. It is postulated that these people are ‘happier’ than their more disengaged peers because of the satisfaction they gain from learning new things.

It’s really all very logical. Curious people would probably never know the meaning of boredom since there are just too many things in the world (and beyond) to discover and master. How wonderful it must be to be capable of such continual fascination! I know of only one person who is exactly like this and I completely understand and perhaps am a little jealous, but in the best way possible :). What shines in his eyes are the twin lights of active interest and intelligence.

***

While for all intents and purposes I quite often appear to be detached and bored, I know that I love to try new things. My curiosity so far has been more of an actively ‘do and learn it’ rather than a ‘read and learn about it’. For instance if I wanted to find out about scuba-diving, I’d just go and do it instead of researching everything about it first. (Though this might be a really bad example because I actually did a fair bit of research after I committed to it and scared myself well and good before I even put on a wet suit!) And while I am definitely game for new things I tend to be more selective and the biggest problem is sustaining an interest in it. I have a short attention span and can lose interest as fast as I gain interest. This has caused quite a bit of difficulty for me since for as long as I can remember I have always been on a quest to find that one (or two, or three!) all consuming passion, believing that it will bring me happiness, fulfillment and lasting contentment. Not finding it leaves me slightly depressed, disillusioned and dare I say it, bored.

I have hope though and I find myself not too worried these days that I have yet to find my Nirvana. A wise person once advised me not to try to hard and expect too much. Not to put all my eggs in one basket, not to place all my bets on one horse as it is setting myself up for major disappointment when I don’t immediately take to it like a duck to water. To accept that I might not necessarily ever find that elusive thing, but in the meantime I shouldn’t waste my time moaning about it but instead try and experience everything and if it doesn’t work out just move on to the next and the next after that. And who knows, perhaps one day when I least expect it, I might inadvertently stumble upon it.

One can hope, yes, one can hope.

Solitude is required for creativity (well at least for me)

Bran knows how disturbing and distracting I find places with many noisy people and other clamoring sounds to be. He on the other hand can shut it all out (or should I say embraces and becomes one with it :) and carry on peacefully. It’s quite a talent. I usually just end up glaring at people which doesn’t get me anywhere since everyone’s too busy talking to notice! And even if they did, they’d probably insist it’s their God-given right to contribute to sound pollution.

***

I’m getting dreamier these days. I tend to wander off regardless of whether I’m alone or in the company of others. In fact I’m getting more and more anti-social as well, preferring the company of my own thoughts (or the blissful lack of them) while I’m sitting in the middle of full on chattering amongst the colleagues. I wonder idly that they might think I’m to quiet when in fact I just don’t feel compelled to make the effort to participate. However methinks that I really should make more of an effort if only to conform socially especially in the work environment. Being a social outcast can’t possibly enhance my career advancement. Hm. What a bother.

Laugh, smile, grin, talk, feign interest. I need to be better at faking.

"The plane! The plane!"

(Ugh. The internet connection is so damned slow!)

In other news, it’s the second day back at work after probably what must have been the longest break I’ve ever taken since I started working: 12 whole days, imagine that! It’s been tolerable so far and maybe it has something to do with the newness of the year. But the best part is that it’s a half week and the weekend is just happens to be a day away :)

***

I was waiting at a traffic light on the way home yesterday evening when I caught sight of a light aircraft lazily making its way across the sky. As I traced its flight pattern with my finger to the window screen, I sighed and smiled to myself in happiness. I am reminded that I have hope, I am more at peace than I have been in a long while and everything will turn out just fine in the end.

Time for another smiley! :)