My First Crush

Aww..the animation is amazing and the stories so bittersweet.



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Missives from afar #1

My dear,

This has probably been the longest day in the history of the world. It started entirely too early (7am on a Sunday?!) and has dragged on even though it’s barely dinner time.

Not to say I haven’t done lots of things today; collected the dry clothes, did a load laundry, cleared out the fridge, tidied your room, went out for lunch, did my eyebrows, bought groceries, had my car washed, watched half a movie, futilely flipped Astro channels, and finally here I am. Thank God I get to cook dinner after this. Hooray for more time killed!

Guess what? I forgot my ATM pin number just now. Got it wrong twice then skulked off as I couldn’t hold the queue any longer while I hemmed and haw-ed conjuring up vaguely familiar combinations. So skulking off into the supermarket, I began to mentally cross things off the grocery list seeing as I only had fifty bucks (somehow it still never occurs to me to use a credit card). And as I wandered the aisles I continued to search for the missing pieces of my brain. It took me maybe 20 minutes, but I finally got it :). Now before you think I’m a complete scatterbrain all the time, this doesn’t happen often, but once in a while I’ll draw a blank at precisely the moment I see “Please enter your Personal Identification Number: _ _ _ _ _ _".

I’ve taken pains to make sure it doesn’t happen again though, I’ve got it written in code that only I can read and only I know where to find. However there might be one tiny flaw to the plan as I’m sure you’ve realized; I’m also liable to forget what the code means and where it is! Sigh, there’s no winning against myself.

I think I’ll never be as happy as I will be this month to embrace Mondays and go to work. At least I can distract myself with work and my colleagues which you know I’m not necessarily too enthusiastic about on ordinary days. I’m taking my exam this week so that’s the focus of my attention. I have a non-negotiable deadline to pass it before the Raya holidays which is the week after next, but more than that I really do want to pass it. Wish me luck my dear.

I can’t wait to see your photo’s and hear your stories when you get your Internetz plumbing fixed :p. Until then, one day down (but still too many to go).

Muah!

Separation Anxiety

I think it will be neither as tough or as easy as I sometimes imagine it will be. The month appears to both, loom large like a gaping black hole, and at the same time present an intriguing challenge I feel prepared to dive headlong into.

It won't be impossible to cope because if there was ever anyone who could survive solitude, it would be me. But on the flip side I'd also be the first to start bouncing off the walls in utter boredom. And if there was ever someone who would miss a ubiquitous presence with such a fierce intensity, that would be me. But I would also be the first to deny, hide it and put up a brave front.

Hm.

Some things you just can't prepare for (save for stockpiling on movie downloads that is :p)

Breezing by

Things I haven't written about:

• Paintball!! (and my bruise-envy)
  

• His 3-days long birthday celebration :)

• The death in the family

Just so you know.

Fade to black

My memories are getting blurrier these days. Used to be that I could remember exactly when in the past certain moments were shared, certain words were spoken, certain feelings savoured or hurt. Everything counted enough to have their time of occurrence neatly jotted down and stored away. So, I'm losing grip on the past. I'd love to believe that this is due to me mellowing out and letting things slide by naturally but maybe the sheer volume of data from keeping tabs (or score if you may) for so long has over taxed this feeble mind. I'm not too concerned though, but if you come across me with furrowed brow scowling in furious concentration, I'm probably trying to sift through the pieces of my scattered memory searching for increasingly elusive information from my past.

Like this evening as we were having dinner, the first thought that struck me as we sat down at the cafe was that I had been unhappy at that place, sometime in the past. I couldn't for the life of me recall when and certainly not what I was unhappy about, but I definitely remembered the feeling. I was pensive for a while, feeling sorry for the unhappy me whose sorrow I could not remember, but then three very ample, juicy prawns on a bed of char keuy teow arrived and well, that set my priorities straight :)

But this brings me to the point that there are some memories best left forgotten otherwise some streets, some hallways, some rooms will forever be tainted with them. And these places might have to be avoided in order to curtail the rush of feeling from the memory of a dramatic scene that took place there too long ago to matter anymore.

I'm afraid letting go of the habit of systematically committing life's little idiosyncrasies to memory will be a tough one to beat, I am very sentimental after all. But maybe my ailing memory will finally be of some use in this area. Life's too short to spend reliving every single miserable second isn't it? And the happy memories? Well there's always room to make new ones.

(I still maintain you forgot to get me a Christmas gift last year, though I can't be absolutely certain...:)

Kampar Noodles in Kampar

We made a slight detour on our way back home for the Merdeka weekend; stopped by for lunch at sleepy old Kampar. A quaint little town, half deserted (possibly because of the public holiday) and clean, very clean. There isn’t the slightest whiff of garbage even around the busier hawker stalls. Quite amazing this. The Kampar noodles were good and oddly the stall we were at was even famous for its laksa, which I might add is pretty tasty stuff.

***

Overheard:

“Oh she’s got a boyfriend now. You know-lah, she’s in IT, majority guys mah!”

They should probably consider putting that on University course application forms. “Women, say no to singlehood! Join the IT field; your man awaits with his trusty laptop!”

:p

I have been presumptuous. This is what it feels like to be a fool.

The One

(I should be fast asleep!)

Happiness really is experiential as evidenced by my current gaping void of a brain. No deep thoughts, no illuminating insights, no emotional depths to plunge today. Just a vacant blissfulness.

I've actually been lying on my bed for quite a while staring absently at my laptop listening to the hum of the air-conditioner in the background and barely audible traffic in the distance. This as opposed to the occasional curling up in a ball, staring at the ceiling flooded with agonizing thoughts fueled by an inferno of emotion. Polar opposites, split personality? Dr. Jekyll and Hyde syndrome? Your guess is as good as mine.

I think you prophesied it. In the few months leading up to it, you constantly explored the subject. You even went so far as to foretell exactly how it would happen. And you used phrases I was to mirror exactly later on.

Of course the less romantic explanation would be that I have attached significance to unrelated incidents and found patterns where there are none. That it was all randomness.

The practical explanation could also be that you had primed yourself into the state of mind (and action) that was necessary to realize your desires. That when opportunity presented itself, you were ready.

But I'll leave logic, randomness and practicality to rest for once and believe the magical. Now isn't that something?

Rummaging through the past

Did some personal spring cleaning today, opened a few boxes left sealed and abandoned since the move about 4 months ago. This is what I found, categorized by the things I’m holding on to and the things I’m letting go off:

Keeping:

1. My books! Everything ranging from my beloved Richmal Crompton’s William books, to P.G. Wodehouse, to Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence which I read in attempt to derive more meaning than what the movie let on (an ultimately unsuccessful endeavor, so I shall remain forever caught up in their unfulfilled passions, questioning why? Why? Why?!)

2. Dog-eared letters yellowed with age. Kept for many a sentimental value; faded ink bearing hopes, wishes and dreams exchanged between childhood friends. I treasure them and yes, re-read them occasionally when I’m feeling melancholy and wistful for a simpler time.

Sadly there are no love letters from pubescent boys among them. I guess I never attracted the type that poured out their hearts in a letter, their exclamations of love were all very vague and I was very distant, plus they couldn’t spell to save their souls. Though I did once receive a letter from a girl…haha! :p

3. Skipping rope. I seriously have no idea when or why they came into my possession, not one but two! But I vaguely remember skipping, though I spent most of that time tripping myself up. Coordination is not my strongest point except when dancing.

4. Presents I bought from Bangkok for two of my friends. Considering that I went to Bangkok more than 2 years ago, that’s a long time to be holding on to them. One of them I haven’t seen since we graduated though we keep in touch by other means, and the other though I met rarely, I never seem to have her present with me when we do.

5. My final year thesis. I’ve been meaning to have this hard-cover bound and titled with gold-lettering but years after the fact have yet to get round to doing it. I’ve forgotten most of the details, so it was refreshing talking bran through it as we flipped the loose sheets. I remember the back-breaking tedium of hard long hours in the laboratory, the frustration of failed experiments and finally the complete gratification of being rewarded with an A.

Out with the trash!:

1. Old magazines. Don’t know why I was hoarding them. Maybe at the back of my mind I though that in the future I would possibly be in dire need of the June 2001 issue of Her World magazine. Err…???!!

2. Gifts from friends and relatives that I have absolutely no discernible use for. Guilt makes us keep them around for years and then there comes a time when you feel safe enough to discard them without fear that you have wronged them in someway. Today I am guilt and fancy free! (with one less trinket-store photo frame :).

It’s a metaphor for my hopes of a change I guess, a flushing out of old habits, but at the same time remembering to keep the important things close

It's been a fantastic week

You know it’s a good week when you wake up in the morning during a weekday thinking it’s a Saturday. I’ve hardly even kept track what date it is. For a person driven by deadlines, obviously this means I have not been in the office :)

Been away for training (yet another one) and as luck would have it, the training centre is practically in a shopping mall….oh, boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! This coupled with the fact that I only agreed to attend the training so long as I was relieved of work duties for the entire duration, meant that it turned out to be a holiday for me.

Classes were leisurely affairs mostly ending by mid-afternoon or even at lunch time. This gave me lots of time to wander the mall doing a lot of browsing and a little purchasing. However one week in a mall is more than enough, all the bright lights, cacophony of sounds and bustling people, gets on my nerves after a while. But I am happy with the fruits of the week and the bright spark of an idea for someone’s upcoming birthday. It’s decided that on that day, a sushi chef will be born :p

And whaddya know, it’s Friday already. Can the week get any better?

Oh, Calvin!

"Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what."

-Calvin & Hobbes

Keep them buggers at bay! Their time is past and so are they.

What an ego-boost it is to find soliloquy's about you that an ex or someone who had a crush on you wrote.

It matters little that you only stumbled upon it years down the road and everyone's moved on to bigger and better things.

So if you've ever written something in the heat of passion about someone who was never meant to know, make sure they never find evidence of it. It'll save you a lot of embarrassment.

We all know how feelings change, but because of those damning words, something they only suspected in the past will be confirmed, and they'll have the sneaky satisfaction of forever thinking that you're hung up on them.

And worse still, in their every encounter with you from thereon, they will have that thought at the back of their minds. It won't matter what you say or who you're with, theirs will be the knowing smiles and private amusement at you're expense.

Protect your privacy.

Don't let anyone in except those who wouldn't hurt you willfully.

Or as the Chinese would say: "Save face-lah!"

PS: Yes, I'm very anal about this. I hate people prying and I hate people finding out things I don't want them to know. My last piece of advice: Always be paranoid. you never know who's watching.

Haiyah! Damn long haven't update, shy only...

You know what?

I want to be rich.

Make that filthy rich.

Let's all bow our heads in prayer.
Amen.

Wikipedia: My best friend

Look what I learnt today!

• Portmanteau

• Morpheme

• Nonce

• Neologism

• Hapax Legomenon

• Sniglet

Before today, if someone had come up to me and spouted those words, I’d have thought they were having a go at pulling my leg. But now I am enlightened!

Go on, you know you want to look ‘em up (Just don’t ask me what they mean :p)

Muddling through as always

Addition to the things I’m capable of: Ups and downs, and all in the same day! I never see them coming. That’s the thing about expectations, even when you think you have none they loom up out of nowhere and trip you up. Going with the flow my foot. I still have a long way to go.

Next weekend: day trip back home for big family reunion thingy. Not so big news except that hun’s making the trip with me for the very first time. *Gasp!* I did not expect it at all, he’s braver than I thought. Me and my assumptions. So now the chore that I was not at all enthusiastic about has become that much lighter. This will be interesting.

Well, except for the part where I have to feed him Ipoh taugeh chicken. Ew…gross! Ah, but for the sacrifices we make for love :p

P.S: Winona and her leopard spots have gone to the Great Fishbowl in the sky. R.I.P

Litany to Perfection

Perfect hair,
Perfect skin,
Perfect shape,
Perfect barely-there make-up,
Immaculately French manicured nails,
Perched atop elegantly long slim fingers,
Exquisitely tailored clothes fitted to a T,
And lean legs ending in black stiletto heels.

Sitting beside her, I couldn’t help but feel scruffy, comparatively inadequate, found distinctly lacking. I believe she spoke, quite a bit actually because she was presenting, but I doubt many listened. We were too busy checking her out. I wonder if it unnerves her that people stare while she’s trying to speak to them. She wasn’t a great beauty, but oh, how so very well turned out!

Later I scuttle off to tell a fellow ‘normally scruffy’ friend about her and we sigh in unison over our lack of ability to achieve such heights. We moan; who has the time, effort and discipline to pull off such impossible feats? And we finally agree that we can only aspire and inevitably time and time again, fail to deliver.

Nondescript-ness it seems will always be our forte.

One by one they go

Yesterday....

Chuck: R.I.P

Today...

Beetlejuice: R.I.P

.
.
.
....it's an epidemic!

Fish aren't cuddly (and other interesting facts)

It was a busy weekend ‘furnishing’ the house with some unusual suspects. And so without further ado, please welcome the new additions to the family.

The solitary plant: Angus (presumably he’s Scottish)

Residents of the fishbowl:

The guppies:

Fredrika (R.I.P.) : Tragically passed away before her prime

Winona : The flamboyant leopard spotted guppy

Olga : Apparently Russian

Cornelia : A rather nondescript guppy

Chuck : the somewhat spastic guppy with an inferiority complex and budding suicidal tendencies

The Quintuplet Cardinal Tetra’s, very imaginatively named:

Random Fish No.1

Random Fish No.2

Random Fish No.3

Random Fish No.4

Random Fish No.5

The Ghost Cat Fish: Casper and Beetlejuice (names self explanatory)

The fighting fish: Bruce (Lee) – he’s a lover not a fighter :p

***

They really have brought the place to life, not that I was aware of it being dead before this, but in truth, they have ‘livened’ it up. Always a good thing, and that’s a wrap for the week!

Thou Shalt Not Work In The City Centre

I've been attending training for the past 3 days in the heart of KL, and I'm exhausted. Waking up at an ungodly hour everyday just to beat traffic and then getting stuck in a jam on the way home, certainly takes its toll on you. I don't know how hun does it, but he says he's ok and my tiredness is due to lack of sleep. Boy oh boy, aren't I grateful I work just 5-10 minutes from here; practically in my backyard!.

The training was all right, and coming from a person with a very healthy level of scepticism and cynicism, this could be very high praise indeed. I'm certainly not one for the motivational or self-help spiel, but there was enough meat there to spark an interest. However whether this translates to action is at danger of being sacrificed at the altar of the Gods of Procrastination. Hur, hur! Same old, same old it seems.

Days of their lives

It’s only when others tell you how unfortunate their lives are that you realize how fortunate you are. And while you complain and moan and sulk at miniscule real (or imagined) hurts, there are others for whom a life like yours would be a luxury they can only dream of. This is what I mean when I say I’m grateful, though unfortunately it slips my unreliable mind quite often.

I wasn’t prepared when my colleague suddenly began telling me of her marriage problems. There I was thinking we were just going to have a pleasant lunch together when I end up with a bleeding ear. It’s a tale of years of jealousy, possessiveness, lack of appreciation and much drama culminating in threats of divorce. And she’s a year younger than I am! Their problems began because of the (geographic) distance between them but according to her, even when they lived together the problems didn’t end there. She even revealed that she felt rushed into marriage amidst all this because her family had convinced her that her problems would be solved once they were married. This is how much damage meddling people who blindly uphold traditions but have very little insight into a person’s needs, can cause to the gullible and lost.

And to my horror, she continues to tells me in fatalistic tones that they are now discussing having children. It was an effort to bite my tongue from telling her what a bad idea that would be; dragging children into the mess without sorting themselves out first. It’s amazing though how she can function normally at work with all this happening in the background.

I’m not particularly close to these people, both this colleague of mine and the other mother of three who told me about the lost forbidden love of her life. And yet I tend to be at the receiving end of such woeful tales, things you would hesitate to tell someone who hasn’t been your best friend for at least 10 years. I say ‘receiving end’ because I never probe, I assume people are as private as I am when it comes to their personal lives, and yet. I’m beginning to think I must have ‘Mother Confessor’ branded on my forehead.

But I lap it up, all of this, and keep my mouth shut, everywhere except here that is.

Lucky you :)