Clumsy is as clumsy does

I've always been clumsy. I remember my teachers and parents calling me 'Butterfingers' ever so often while growing up. These days he has to steer me through obstacle courses (Read: public areas) because on my own I'd probably walk straight into passing cars and have on occasion walked smack into innocent bystanders.

So as if to prove a point today, I have spilled coffee on my shoes, 'mee soto' on my blouse and skirt and (this is mortifying) accidentally spit coffee on my keypad. And all this in the short span of time I've been in the cafeteria. I certainly hope I've finished my quota for clumsiness today, because there's still half a day of work to go!

Mini Movie Review

I now officially love Parker Posey. Has anyone noticed her recent steady revival in moviedom? About time I say. Always liked her for the quirky characters she played in movies, and now she has a leading role worthy of her talents in “The Oh in Ohio”. It was delightfully touching to watch her character grow and find herself. I identified.

Watch it if:

1. You’re a woman

2. You think Parker Posey and Danny DeVito getting it on are a hilarious combination :p

3. You wouldn’t miss Liza Minelli playing an enthusiastic sex guru for the world.

***

“Little Miss Sunshine” is a neat little dysfunctional family road-trip movie. Now, now, before you balk thinking there could be nothing worse that the combination of ‘family’ and ‘road-trip’, this really is one movie that kicks ass. It’ll make you cry and laugh at the same time and yeah, warm fuzzy feelings are inevitable too. All the characters are ‘Super freaks”, watch it and you’ll understand why, but careful you don’t sprain a muscle laughing!

PS: This is not much of a review, but that’s what IMDB is for. Go on now!

Propositioned

This almost slipped my mind.

While in a meeting yesterday with a software distributor ours, I was propositioned.

No, not in that way.

My colleague had walked out for a few minutes leaving me alone with our guests. The General Manager whom I was just meeting for the first time asked me a few questions about my job and experience and then proceeded to ask me if I knew of anyone looking for jobs since they’re hiring for all levels and across the board. He then proceeded to say “Well, however if you were to call me up and ask for a position, I wouldn’t say no”. I must have looked a bit startled because he hastily added that he’d experienced other associated companies pinching employees behind his back, so he might as well be upfront about it. So with sheepish laughter all round and a few non-committal comments, I managed to avoid answering.

I’m still surprised, but it’s easily brushed aside, not because I think he wasn’t serious but because I’m not interested at the moment. But it’s nice anyway to be propositioned. Now where was he when I was desperately looking for a job?

So I’ve resurrected the old playlist again: Dishwalla, Frou Frou, Zero 7, and even after so long it’s still refreshingly pleasant. Reminds me of when I first began listening to them repetitively about a year ago. I’m remembering places, events and times that seem to have been set to this background music, it makes me smile.

**

I had dinner with the ex-colleagues the other day. It was the traditional yearly birthday treat. And what struck me was how down and listless everyone seemed and how upbeat and cheerful I was compared to them. Didn’t it use to be the other way around? Am I happy but somehow managed to miss the news bulletin on my unusual condition?

**

I think two of my good friends have forgotten my birthday, a case of out of sight, out of mind? Any which way it is, they’re both so screwed, and when they realize they’re going to feel so guilty! :p

**

Note to self: Must stop squirming and wiggling butt in seat when delighted about something, most undignified for a 27 year-old turning 28. Erm…most undignified, period.

**

<< wiggles ferociously in seat ;)))>>

Tropical Storm

So near yet so far.

Was rained in at Amcorp Mall for more than an hour, unable to leave as the storm lashed down and cut off all possibility of getting to the open air carpark.

When it became clear that the storm wasn't letting up, I finally parked at Starbucks with plenty of reason to mope as there was nothing to read, no one to talk to and no laptop to surf from.

Interestingly enough, the last shop I walked into before leaving the mall was playing "Let it Rain" by Hootie and the Blowfish. Then as I drove off in the somewhat abated rain, the radio station was playing "Here Comes the Rain Again"by Eurythmics.

Now how's that for coincidence?

A time when Keri Noble 'Talked to me' :)

I heard Keri Noble's "Talk To Me" on the radio while driving today and it brought a smile to my face as I remembered.

Mr. Brown-Eyed Himself

....and the aftermath

It reminded me of him but more than that, of a long time ago when small insignificant things like that made life a bit more fun :). I imagined playing the piano and singing it for him now, just for the heck of seeing the look on his face. Heh, that won't happen-lah, can't play the piano at all!

I found out his name then, but I can't for the life of me recall now. Roger? Richard? Rick?!?

Hehe :p

One year on

Happy Anniversary hun.

It's been quite a ride hasn't it?

I wondered for a while what we had to celebrate. And though it's not very romantic but perhaps it's as simple as the fact you're still here and I'm still here, and that's reason enough.

***

The four poems I carefully selected and have read over and over again and they still sound like music to me. I hope you'll love them as much as I do.

***

This has been said to death and yet can't be said enough: I love you hun.

If You Forget Me - Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists:
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loveing me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Love at first sight - Wislawa Szymborska

They're both convinced
that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is more beautiful,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they'd never met before, they're sure
that there'd been nothing between them.
But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways--
perhaps they've passed by each other a million times?

I want to ask them
if they don't remember--
a moment face to face
in some revolving door?
perhaps a "sorry" muttered in a crowd?
a curt "wrong number"caught in the receiver?--
but I know the answer.
No, they don't remember.

They'd be amazed to hear
that Chance has been toying with them
now for years.

Not quite ready yet
to become their Destiny,
it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stifling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,
even if they couldn't read them yet.
Perhaps three years ago
or just last Tuesday
a certain leaf fluttered
from one shoulder to another?
Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood's thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night. perhaps, the same dream,
grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through.

I seem to have loved you – Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times,
In life after life, in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made and re-made the necklace of songs
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms
In life after life, in age after age forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together,
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount
At the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
The love of all man's days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours-
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

I carry your heart with me – e.e.cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

It pays the bills

Am I becoming a workaholic?

.

.

.

.

Nah, that is so not me.

But I do get concerned (read: worried) and shoulder more than my fair share of responsibility when it comes to work. When I’m rushing deadlines for tenders there is absolutely no way I would slack off, I’d come in early (though I rarely stay late) and thoroughly stress myself out with work. So much so that I have trouble sleeping at night sometimes, tossing and turning and waking up at ungodly hours over and over again, running quotation figures in my head and having nightmares of missing that important deadline (which I never do anyway). I am even sometimes aware of struggling in that half-awake, half-asleep state.

But while I am not a workaholic (I greatly resent free time eaten into and wasted by having to come back to work), I do have difficulty cutting loose when urgent personal matters arise and I have to skip work to attend to them. I hyperventilate a little when worrying how they will cope without me, then reluctantly let it slide.

While I was complaining yet again about the volume of work I have, someone just asked me if I enjoyed my work. I said I don’t have time to sit down and think whether I do or not. But this I know, I won’t do it forever. This can’t be my calling, if there is such a thing. There is not much joy in it. It is just work, work, work; neither bad nor good, which for the moment, suffices.

It's that time of the year again

No, no, not Christmas (though I heard that Metrojaya has started selling Xmas decorations already :!), November. No wait, that didn't quite come out right, one more time: it's N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R!!!

I was counting the number of people (seperate groups and individuals) who would be taking me out for treats this month and have so far come up with 4 almost surethings. I'm deciding to ask those with good taste to get me presents instead and those with not so good taste to take me for crabs for which my craving has yet to be satisfied.

I'm surprised that I'm actually looking forward to it this year considering howI usually feel; old and alone. November is when everything comes into sharp relief but I haven't been able to give it much thought what with work and so many other interferences. I'll get round to it for sure, I always do.

For now I'll just imagine all the crustaceans I can eat and presents to die for.

Ahhh.....:)

Points of Note

• It’s been what, a week? A week plus? And I’m only just getting round to surfing the Net from home ever since it was set up.

• I wonder sometimes that I’m not quite there, here nor anywhere. Not quite right. Not quite settled. Displaced, disconnected, disjointed. It’s as if a manic child put a little Frankenstein together minus the green skin, stitches and bolts (though leaving it in would have been way cool)

• I wonder sometimes, what are the things I’m sure of. Life? Work? Relationships?

A: None of the above. So many years and it still hasn’t changed, not one tiny bit.

• You can only seem cool, funny, wise and entertaining to people who don’t know you. And that includes your friends. That is such an awful waste.

• Being thought of as cool, funny, wise and entertaining is such an ego boost. But when you lose that ‘regard’ a certain sense of self worth and esteem is lost. You can struggle to get it back, but you can never dazzle the way you once did. What follows is a phase of uncertainty and sadness.

• You are only as much as what others think you are. (The ‘others’ of whose opinion you care about of course).

• I could be anything. So why am I what I am? Why not reinvent when tired of your own skin? When tired of your own antics?

• I miss being on an even keel. Back then everything was sure. I was sure. The calm endured and rationality ruled. How much smug pride I took in it. How silly I seem now.

• What is it like to know that you have been a waste of time and effort? That you cannot provide returns equal or exceeding what you have received?

• I can never think when I’m around him. I’m just blank. It’s neither a good thing, nor a bad thing, it just is. And he wonders why I write instead of talk. It’s because I think when I’m away, and when that happens, there’s no one to talk to is there? And so I write. He doesn’t approve. But I am adamant. It is either this or nothing (at least until I can actually summon a thought in his presence). So a compromise is in order. It is clear his ‘beef’ with me writing is that he gets to know about things last after my ‘numerous’ blog visitors have been self-informed. Like ‘duh?’ No one reads this, I have the stats to prove it. (I don’t show it to him because I’m terribly embarrassed that no one knows I’m alive!) So I shall send every personal entry to him first so he is aware before I post. I hope it is appropriate and fair enough.

• (Oh man, I must really work on my writing.)

Self-help is no help

I just realised that it's damned difficult to buy a self-help book for someone if you don't believe in self-help books.

I spent most of my lunch time intently frowning at the self-improvement book shelves, picking up random books, flipping thru them carelessly, making rude faces when I spotted 'inspirational quotes' and then shoving it back; all the while sighing audibly and scaring the people in the adjacent Pyschology section (which so happens to be one very interesting section!).

Hmph. Time for another brilliant gift idea.

Kota Kinabalu

This is long overdue.

I just realized that this has been the first real holiday (company trips don’t count) of this year so it certainly deserves more than a mention. But rather than giving a blow-by-blow which will tire everyone out (especially this writer), I thought I’d pick out the things that struck me most.

I’ll admit that I didn’t know that KK was on the seaside, I somehow imagined it to be somewhere in the interior of Sabah. Yeah, my geography sucks dog’s balls.

Nexus Karambunai was a revelation, breathtakingly beautiful even when experienced on a very wet day. It was isolated, with a long coastline and a generous strip of white sand ending in clear blue waters. One of the best beaches I’ve ever been to. I’m glad you were there too to experience it, especially since you haven’t been to a beach in years!

The seafood dinner was good, am still wondering what that delicious mollusk with the uni-claw is called. Even the traditional dance performances, which I know bored the hell out of you and your family, were interesting. And when that white lady gave a war cry in response to the dancers, that just killed me. You do realize that your parents decided to go there for my benefit even though it was to celebrate your birthday?

On KK roads and traffic:

- there are a lot of 4-wheel drives on the road,

- there are a lot of U-turns and

- quite a number of “KK-ian’s” use their hazard lights when making a U-turn!

- On the way to Kundasang there was wildlife on the road and a strange number of cats that seem to have died of dehydration :!. This I assume because they were not splattered on the road like the usual road kill.

The trip to Kinabalu Park also afforded us some of the best views. The rain (yes, more of it) only enhanced the spectacle with heavy mists covering the hills and shrouding the valleys.

Sunset at Pantai Dalit was almost as gorgeous as Karambunai. A pity our foray into the water had to be cut short. A word of advice, recently shaven legs + salt water = stings like hell!! I hope some of my enthusiasm about beaches and the sea has rubbed off on you hun. But even if you’re still impartial towards them at least you know how I feel.

But mostly hun, it was how your family was so accommodating of insignificant little me. I felt that they made so much effort to go out of their way. I was both touched and a little shy at the fuss. You know how I prefer to fade into the background and blend in with the furniture, right? They made me feel welcome, and for that I am grateful.

So will it be Sepilok, the islands around KK, Sipadan and a traditional Kadazan wedding mid-next year hun? ;)

Thank you for the wonderful trip hun, if you didn’t already know, I had a great time.

Goings on

I should be doing one or more things, none of which I’m obviously doing at the moment. I’m not where I’m supposed to be, I’m not where I’m being paid to be. Sigh.

Oh well.

At the back of my mind I have this sneaky suspicion that introspection is bad. It’s so self-indulgent and so self-centered. It’s about being this person that whines on and on about this and that, going round in circles till she trips herself up only to get up and continue circling.

I can’t help but wonder sometimes that I would probably be better off just getting on with the world, picking up the pace, participate more, morph into a go-getter of some sort. And then I think, how decidedly mundane that is. Me, who more often than not, snorts in derision when encountering someone of that ilk. Of course one could argue that the contempt stems from jealousy, and I’ll admit maybe a little bit, but it’s also because I find their success and enthusiasm in all things material, shallow. Perhaps it’s just me but I imagine them lacking in depth. It’s not a big surprise then that I prefer the lot that bemoans the state of themselves and the world, finding their company infinitely more interesting and not to mention comforting and self-affirming as well.

Anyway.

Here I am waiting for the phone technician to arrive. He’s 20 minutes late and his tardiness annoys me. So what this means is that I’m finally going to get broadband fixed up in my place after having had it with being unable to blog in office or at home whenever inspiration strikes. I still write even without internet access but the time delay usually means that by the time I post it, if at all, the relevance has passed. Then again aside from blogging there’s a lot more I should be doing with and on the Net. The good thing is there isn’t any worry of getting addicted because if I had been so inclined it would have happened a long time ago. I just want to teach myself to make more use of it. Hm, think I’ll start by surfing porn sites. Oh yeah baby ;)

Win, win

If you stay, you’re a martyr.
If you leave, you’re justified.

I know this all too well.

Every so often it occurs to me,
You would be this good to anyone.

You would be this loving,
this kind,
this considerate,
to someone,
anyone else,
in my place.
It is just the way you are,
As I am sure you were before.

I think I could not hold on to you,
(Why should I need to?)
I think I do not deserve,
Someone this loving,
This kind,
This considerate
When I myself am not.

And you know this all too well

You were right.
There is nothing you could do better,
There is no need to question,
There is no area for improvement.

The insecurity is mine
The inadequacy,
Mine alone.

I keep asking why,
Because I see what you are,
I can see how I am,
And I despair at the disparity.

I talk about change,
But the setbacks,
(One step forward, two steps back)
bring me smack down to earth.

It is not bitterness, it is resignation.

Even as I write this I imagine you thinking “Oh no, not again! Not another round of reassurance. When will she stop? When will what I say be enough?”

There is no need for reassurance, not this time.

I wrote this a week ago, a week on and I’m surprised that it’s still relevant. In fact I could have written it months ago and not have had to change a single word.

I can’t find my voice; it’s choked at the lump in my throat. All the pent up frustration just turns into aggression simmering just below the surface. And I, I try to quell, to suppress, to smother, me.

I can’t stand me, I’m not fair to you, I’m sorry and I love you.

Who's watching you?

I feel exposed.

I’ve never liked people looking over my shoulder even while doing something as harmless like reading the newspaper. I especially dislike people (complete strangers, colleagues, friends and family, basically anyone) curiously looking at my laptop screen when they should be minding their own business. And I mean this in the nicest way possible, because some people don’t mean to be nosy.

So this morning while waiting for the lift on my way to the office, I bumped into the lady who sits at the desk behind me. We exchange smiles and greetings and then after some shuffling of feet and staring at the floor, she said:

“So, busy with work?”

I mumbled something about usually being busy but unusually free this week and then we parted ways.

Now, I’ve never spoken to this woman before. She most probably doesn’t know my name, what I do or even which division I work for, but instead of asking these standard ‘first conversation’ questions, she assumes I’m busy and asks for confirmation. Either that or she was being a sarcastic smart ass. Whatever it is, I am a little disturbed that she has been observing and that I have no idea what conclusions she has formed.

So I walked behind her desk today and realized that she has full view of my laptop screen. Damn, the stupid open office plan! I can’t wait till we move, though I doubt it’ll be any better. Hmph, double damn!

(Yes, I know what you’re thinking, wa-ay too paranoid)

The Little Boy in the Desert

I had a dream about a little boy in a desert. His mother left him (with suitcase in hand) up in the sand dunes. And as he stood rooted, (with lollipop melting in his hand) his shadow grew long. They had no faces, his mother and he. And though she left him, she went nowhere, for it was a painting I saw.