To the future and all it holds

I like to think I can multi-task. Fact is I just spew this untruth at job interviews to seem more impressive that I really am. I can really only concentrate on one thing at a time; when I read I must have silence, and when I listen to music it is impossible to get any work done.

So like right now with all the commotion in Telawi street and Clint Mansell on repeat thru my earphones, I can’t hold a single thought in my head. I should just give up now.

Yeah, yeah, but I’m stubborn.

***

So much for being stubborn, it’s about 2 hours later and as I sit here typing on my ‘obelisk’, bran’s immersed in the Man U game (though not so much that he can’t join me in duet-whistling of Christmas carols ;).

For next year I have already settled on two resolutions:

1. Join a dance class. I’m thinking probably Latin, salsa perhaps? I’m pretty sure though that I’ll be paired off with some other lady who, like me, lacks a male dance partner. That’s all right though so long as she stays clear of my toes.

2. Visit at least one overseas destination. And by ‘overseas’ I mean a foreign country and not just a local destination that requires me to fly over a body of water! The only other rule is that it must also be a place I haven’t visited before. Since I’m not exactly rolling in riches (still haven’t struck the lottery jackpot, which admittedly is a little hard to do since I never buy lottery tickets) it’ll probably be to a Southeast Asian destination. Like I told bran, the idea is to go someplace where you don’t understand a single word the locals say, you don’t know what cooked creature (parts) you are about to consume and you frequently have no idea where you are or how to get where you’re going. Sounds exciting (and a little life threatening) eh?

Looking forward to it; the coming year, the future and all it holds.

It’ll be a good one. Trust me, I’m clairvoyant.

Listening

Come to me. Tell me your tale.

I will listen intently and never waver in my concentration.
I will be quiet as you find your story’s momentum.
I will nod encouragingly (but ever so slightly) when you show hesitation at the verge of revealing your deepest secrets.
I will tactfully mould and condense my questions so that you do not feel threatened.
I will ask them only in moments of lull so as not to distract from your rhythm.
I will coax you gently along the path of your memories.

And you, you will remember what you thought you had forgotten.
Your mind and heart will remember how it used to skip to a different beat
You will relive, reawaken, resurrect, for just that fleeting moment, your bittersweet thoughts, fears and desires of a life lived hard.

And in the end, you will feel your story safe with me.
You will feel nostalgic but relieved that a stranger (a friend) heard you and understood.
Heard you, and shared your pain and joy (and laughter and tears).
Heard you, and did not judge.

And I will be satiated.
I will marvel at how even the most unassuming people have their own tales to tell.
Tales I had, and hope to continue to have, the unexpected honour to be entrusted with.

So come to me and tell me your tale.

I am listening.

Right this moment

I'm sitting on the bed by the window hearing the rain patter down.

My nails are bold red sprinkled with gold dust. An impulse buy that's more Christmas-y than I actually feel.

There's the heavenly smell of slowly simmering prawn and tomato stock wafting through the house.

The bf is out having his hair barber-ed after which he will come home and try the new recipe we watched on TV last night.
.
.
.
I am so lucky.

I, Kate Hudson

When not in front of a mirror, this is roughly how I imagine I look like now :p.

So it ended up more like Kate Hudson rather than Kate Beckinsale, but life, it goes on. As long as little children do not run and hide behind their mothers skirts when they see me approaching, i'm happy enough :)

On to the next burning question: How do I get boobs like hers?

Hair-raising

Is it too much to ask that when my hairdresser perms my hair, that I miraculously transform to look like Kate Beckinsale too?

Sigh.

I've decided that I will go ahead. If this year turns out to be the year for a hair disaster, then so be it.
I will tempt fate.
I will be zen.
Ommmmmm......

(Wait a minute. Curls rinse out, right?!)

And around we go

Went to Mid Valley (MV) after work last night. Was happy when I finished and looked at my watch to realize it was only 7.30pm. So there I was happily thinking I’d be back home before 8. Heh, but I reckoned without the mysterious jam.

It took me all of 20 minutes to even exit the parking lot. And then the crawl just continued: inch by agonizing inch. I thought perhaps a traffic jam on the Federal Highway was back-logged all the way to MV. It finally took me and hour to clear a semi-circle around MV and then the Federal Highway was……not jammed! So the traffic jam was only around MV, like an insanely slow merry-go-round with toy cars that don’t go more than 1 kmph with frequent stops to enjoy the view of concrete and fellow toy cars.

I’ve been to MV on weekday nights and it’s never like this, so perhaps it’s the combination of several factors: the Year End Sales (Y.E.S.!), the school holidays, the people clearing their annual leave before the end of the year and even more people out for Christmas shopping.

In any case, avoid MV at all costs unless your life somehow depended on visiting a shopping mall.

“A person's mood is an observable affective state, which can consist of a combination of emotions. In normal functioning, moods are influenced by external events, which is adaptive.” – Courtesy of Wikipedia

I was in a bad mood yesterday. But instead of doing the usual thing of brooding, indulging and giving in to it, I chose instead to warn bran, who expectedly was somewhat perturbed and concerned. He did the right thing though: asked, listened, talked, even if he was a little impatient to watch Amazing Race (The Barbies are out! And Bama are in the final three! Who’d have thunk?) :p

Anyway I thought up a little theory last night. Contrary to what Wikipedia says, perhaps my moods aren’t so much influenced by external factors and events, but rather a result of some chemical imbalance in the body. A shift in hormone levels perhaps? Basically a physical cause that triggers emotional symptoms.

This I figure because I realize that I am almost always acutely aware of the exact moment when the shift or change happens. As I told bran, it’s almost a physical sensation, like pain (though it’s not painful). And the other reason is because even in that state, I can think rationally and no matter how much I search, I can’t find a solid reason for feeling that way. But I know for certain that once I get started, even little things that would normally pass below my radar serve to compound that bad feeling.

This is as far as I’ve gotten actually. The next step would be to try and figure out how to deal with it:

1. Admitting it. Let it be known rather than found out since that implies that I have let the mood lead to consequences.
2. Talking it through (though I usually feel far from chatty)
3. Eating! Seriously. Even if I’m hungry I still have no interest in it but when I do it seems to ease the edge a little.

(There is still much to learn, new discoveries to make. And then things change again, so we’ll just see how things go and ride the waves as they come.)

The end is near.

December is going to be an interesting month. I can feel it in my bones (All of which by the way are encased in way too much fat and flesh, more than I’m used to. But I digress)

November somehow wasn't what I'd expected it to be, not that it was bad just that it was somehow unremarkable even though technically it should have been what with the celebratory events. But December, now December, here’s a month to watch out for.

So stuff to look forward to in December:

1. Company annual dinner on the 15^th,
2. Christmas on the 25^th and
3. New Year’s Eve on the 31^st.

Looking forward to the annual company do this year because well it’s my first with this company and technically the first time I’ll be attending a function of this scale since ex-company was a small one so there was never anything more than a simple dinner here and there. I would have liked the function to be a grander, dress-to-kill kind of occasion, but it seems that the organizers have opted for a kitschy 70’s themed party. I certainly won’t be following the theme but the rest of them who will be doing the same are opting for a more casual t-shirt and jeans getup. And here I am itching to wear a dress and glam it up a bit. Another thing is I wished I could bring my significant other half along but the invite for outsiders is extended to spouses only and besides he has his own department function to attend, so boo-hoo, sorry little me will have to go alone. Sigh, L.

Christmas. Well, as years pass by, I’m getting more and more blasé about the celebrations. Seems a bit of a chore having to crack your head for Christmas gift ideas, then decorating the house, and all the cooking and preparation to be done just fills me with a feeling not far from dread. I used to bother if I had something nice to wear for Christmas. These days I’d just wear any old thing as long as no one has seen it before. And presents aren’t much to look forward to anyway, guess our tastes get more sophisticated as we get older and so I don’t expect anything and gift giving just becomes a formality.

Now New Year’s Eve is a different story all together. I’ve never been one to celebrate it, and remember many a New Year’s Eve spent at home in front of the telly with a party pack in hand watching the countdown (It really isn’t as miserable as it sounds!). And the years when I did want to go out and celebrate, no one was ever free or willing or even in the mood to accompany me for a night of revelry out and about in town. But last year I had fun at the laid-back and almost intimate barbeque at home even though yet again I was foiled in catching a glimpse of the fireworks. This year I guess there’s no need to fix what ain’t broke. And so barbeque and the best lamb chop I’ve ever tasted it is.

Also by virtue of it being December, the mind is racing, mulling over things as the year hurtles inevitably towards its end. Ah, but then that’s fodder for another post.

Can’t seem to get connected to the Net, the router seems to be giving intermittent problems: up on minute then down the next. Well nothing I can do until the (darling) expert wakes up and fixes it.

So in the meantime…

…I enjoyed my birthday. Made the effort to dress up though I had initially not planned to, because I felt a little down the day before and deduced (correctly it seems) that dressing up would make me feel better (you know all that jazz about if you look good you feel good?). Funny thing is the other patrons were dressed so casually in shorts and t-shirts, but it really didn’t matter because I was perfectly content.

I enjoyed how easy and comfortable it was. Eating ribs is not very fancy, elegant fare, in fact it’s downright messy but oh what happy food it turned out to be, I know I certainly had an appetite J. In fact I had quite an appetite for all the other dinners as well, I seem to vaguely remember one of the girls commenting on it, heh. But oy! that’s not good news for my thighs though.

I had two lovely birthday cakes, and if it’s not too late to make a wish, I hope I’ll be as happy at the next birthday as I was in this one. And that means having the company of good friends and a certain someone’s face basked in the glow of a birthday candle smiling back at me.

Clumsy is as clumsy does

I've always been clumsy. I remember my teachers and parents calling me 'Butterfingers' ever so often while growing up. These days he has to steer me through obstacle courses (Read: public areas) because on my own I'd probably walk straight into passing cars and have on occasion walked smack into innocent bystanders.

So as if to prove a point today, I have spilled coffee on my shoes, 'mee soto' on my blouse and skirt and (this is mortifying) accidentally spit coffee on my keypad. And all this in the short span of time I've been in the cafeteria. I certainly hope I've finished my quota for clumsiness today, because there's still half a day of work to go!

Mini Movie Review

I now officially love Parker Posey. Has anyone noticed her recent steady revival in moviedom? About time I say. Always liked her for the quirky characters she played in movies, and now she has a leading role worthy of her talents in “The Oh in Ohio”. It was delightfully touching to watch her character grow and find herself. I identified.

Watch it if:

1. You’re a woman

2. You think Parker Posey and Danny DeVito getting it on are a hilarious combination :p

3. You wouldn’t miss Liza Minelli playing an enthusiastic sex guru for the world.

***

“Little Miss Sunshine” is a neat little dysfunctional family road-trip movie. Now, now, before you balk thinking there could be nothing worse that the combination of ‘family’ and ‘road-trip’, this really is one movie that kicks ass. It’ll make you cry and laugh at the same time and yeah, warm fuzzy feelings are inevitable too. All the characters are ‘Super freaks”, watch it and you’ll understand why, but careful you don’t sprain a muscle laughing!

PS: This is not much of a review, but that’s what IMDB is for. Go on now!

Propositioned

This almost slipped my mind.

While in a meeting yesterday with a software distributor ours, I was propositioned.

No, not in that way.

My colleague had walked out for a few minutes leaving me alone with our guests. The General Manager whom I was just meeting for the first time asked me a few questions about my job and experience and then proceeded to ask me if I knew of anyone looking for jobs since they’re hiring for all levels and across the board. He then proceeded to say “Well, however if you were to call me up and ask for a position, I wouldn’t say no”. I must have looked a bit startled because he hastily added that he’d experienced other associated companies pinching employees behind his back, so he might as well be upfront about it. So with sheepish laughter all round and a few non-committal comments, I managed to avoid answering.

I’m still surprised, but it’s easily brushed aside, not because I think he wasn’t serious but because I’m not interested at the moment. But it’s nice anyway to be propositioned. Now where was he when I was desperately looking for a job?

So I’ve resurrected the old playlist again: Dishwalla, Frou Frou, Zero 7, and even after so long it’s still refreshingly pleasant. Reminds me of when I first began listening to them repetitively about a year ago. I’m remembering places, events and times that seem to have been set to this background music, it makes me smile.

**

I had dinner with the ex-colleagues the other day. It was the traditional yearly birthday treat. And what struck me was how down and listless everyone seemed and how upbeat and cheerful I was compared to them. Didn’t it use to be the other way around? Am I happy but somehow managed to miss the news bulletin on my unusual condition?

**

I think two of my good friends have forgotten my birthday, a case of out of sight, out of mind? Any which way it is, they’re both so screwed, and when they realize they’re going to feel so guilty! :p

**

Note to self: Must stop squirming and wiggling butt in seat when delighted about something, most undignified for a 27 year-old turning 28. Erm…most undignified, period.

**

<< wiggles ferociously in seat ;)))>>

Tropical Storm

So near yet so far.

Was rained in at Amcorp Mall for more than an hour, unable to leave as the storm lashed down and cut off all possibility of getting to the open air carpark.

When it became clear that the storm wasn't letting up, I finally parked at Starbucks with plenty of reason to mope as there was nothing to read, no one to talk to and no laptop to surf from.

Interestingly enough, the last shop I walked into before leaving the mall was playing "Let it Rain" by Hootie and the Blowfish. Then as I drove off in the somewhat abated rain, the radio station was playing "Here Comes the Rain Again"by Eurythmics.

Now how's that for coincidence?

A time when Keri Noble 'Talked to me' :)

I heard Keri Noble's "Talk To Me" on the radio while driving today and it brought a smile to my face as I remembered.

Mr. Brown-Eyed Himself

....and the aftermath

It reminded me of him but more than that, of a long time ago when small insignificant things like that made life a bit more fun :). I imagined playing the piano and singing it for him now, just for the heck of seeing the look on his face. Heh, that won't happen-lah, can't play the piano at all!

I found out his name then, but I can't for the life of me recall now. Roger? Richard? Rick?!?

Hehe :p

One year on

Happy Anniversary hun.

It's been quite a ride hasn't it?

I wondered for a while what we had to celebrate. And though it's not very romantic but perhaps it's as simple as the fact you're still here and I'm still here, and that's reason enough.

***

The four poems I carefully selected and have read over and over again and they still sound like music to me. I hope you'll love them as much as I do.

***

This has been said to death and yet can't be said enough: I love you hun.

If You Forget Me - Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists:
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loveing me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Love at first sight - Wislawa Szymborska

They're both convinced
that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is more beautiful,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they'd never met before, they're sure
that there'd been nothing between them.
But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways--
perhaps they've passed by each other a million times?

I want to ask them
if they don't remember--
a moment face to face
in some revolving door?
perhaps a "sorry" muttered in a crowd?
a curt "wrong number"caught in the receiver?--
but I know the answer.
No, they don't remember.

They'd be amazed to hear
that Chance has been toying with them
now for years.

Not quite ready yet
to become their Destiny,
it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stifling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,
even if they couldn't read them yet.
Perhaps three years ago
or just last Tuesday
a certain leaf fluttered
from one shoulder to another?
Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood's thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night. perhaps, the same dream,
grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through.

I seem to have loved you – Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times,
In life after life, in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made and re-made the necklace of songs
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms
In life after life, in age after age forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together,
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount
At the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
The love of all man's days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours-
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

I carry your heart with me – e.e.cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)