Points of Note

• It’s been what, a week? A week plus? And I’m only just getting round to surfing the Net from home ever since it was set up.

• I wonder sometimes that I’m not quite there, here nor anywhere. Not quite right. Not quite settled. Displaced, disconnected, disjointed. It’s as if a manic child put a little Frankenstein together minus the green skin, stitches and bolts (though leaving it in would have been way cool)

• I wonder sometimes, what are the things I’m sure of. Life? Work? Relationships?

A: None of the above. So many years and it still hasn’t changed, not one tiny bit.

• You can only seem cool, funny, wise and entertaining to people who don’t know you. And that includes your friends. That is such an awful waste.

• Being thought of as cool, funny, wise and entertaining is such an ego boost. But when you lose that ‘regard’ a certain sense of self worth and esteem is lost. You can struggle to get it back, but you can never dazzle the way you once did. What follows is a phase of uncertainty and sadness.

• You are only as much as what others think you are. (The ‘others’ of whose opinion you care about of course).

• I could be anything. So why am I what I am? Why not reinvent when tired of your own skin? When tired of your own antics?

• I miss being on an even keel. Back then everything was sure. I was sure. The calm endured and rationality ruled. How much smug pride I took in it. How silly I seem now.

• What is it like to know that you have been a waste of time and effort? That you cannot provide returns equal or exceeding what you have received?

• I can never think when I’m around him. I’m just blank. It’s neither a good thing, nor a bad thing, it just is. And he wonders why I write instead of talk. It’s because I think when I’m away, and when that happens, there’s no one to talk to is there? And so I write. He doesn’t approve. But I am adamant. It is either this or nothing (at least until I can actually summon a thought in his presence). So a compromise is in order. It is clear his ‘beef’ with me writing is that he gets to know about things last after my ‘numerous’ blog visitors have been self-informed. Like ‘duh?’ No one reads this, I have the stats to prove it. (I don’t show it to him because I’m terribly embarrassed that no one knows I’m alive!) So I shall send every personal entry to him first so he is aware before I post. I hope it is appropriate and fair enough.

• (Oh man, I must really work on my writing.)

Self-help is no help

I just realised that it's damned difficult to buy a self-help book for someone if you don't believe in self-help books.

I spent most of my lunch time intently frowning at the self-improvement book shelves, picking up random books, flipping thru them carelessly, making rude faces when I spotted 'inspirational quotes' and then shoving it back; all the while sighing audibly and scaring the people in the adjacent Pyschology section (which so happens to be one very interesting section!).

Hmph. Time for another brilliant gift idea.

Kota Kinabalu

This is long overdue.

I just realized that this has been the first real holiday (company trips don’t count) of this year so it certainly deserves more than a mention. But rather than giving a blow-by-blow which will tire everyone out (especially this writer), I thought I’d pick out the things that struck me most.

I’ll admit that I didn’t know that KK was on the seaside, I somehow imagined it to be somewhere in the interior of Sabah. Yeah, my geography sucks dog’s balls.

Nexus Karambunai was a revelation, breathtakingly beautiful even when experienced on a very wet day. It was isolated, with a long coastline and a generous strip of white sand ending in clear blue waters. One of the best beaches I’ve ever been to. I’m glad you were there too to experience it, especially since you haven’t been to a beach in years!

The seafood dinner was good, am still wondering what that delicious mollusk with the uni-claw is called. Even the traditional dance performances, which I know bored the hell out of you and your family, were interesting. And when that white lady gave a war cry in response to the dancers, that just killed me. You do realize that your parents decided to go there for my benefit even though it was to celebrate your birthday?

On KK roads and traffic:

- there are a lot of 4-wheel drives on the road,

- there are a lot of U-turns and

- quite a number of “KK-ian’s” use their hazard lights when making a U-turn!

- On the way to Kundasang there was wildlife on the road and a strange number of cats that seem to have died of dehydration :!. This I assume because they were not splattered on the road like the usual road kill.

The trip to Kinabalu Park also afforded us some of the best views. The rain (yes, more of it) only enhanced the spectacle with heavy mists covering the hills and shrouding the valleys.

Sunset at Pantai Dalit was almost as gorgeous as Karambunai. A pity our foray into the water had to be cut short. A word of advice, recently shaven legs + salt water = stings like hell!! I hope some of my enthusiasm about beaches and the sea has rubbed off on you hun. But even if you’re still impartial towards them at least you know how I feel.

But mostly hun, it was how your family was so accommodating of insignificant little me. I felt that they made so much effort to go out of their way. I was both touched and a little shy at the fuss. You know how I prefer to fade into the background and blend in with the furniture, right? They made me feel welcome, and for that I am grateful.

So will it be Sepilok, the islands around KK, Sipadan and a traditional Kadazan wedding mid-next year hun? ;)

Thank you for the wonderful trip hun, if you didn’t already know, I had a great time.

Goings on

I should be doing one or more things, none of which I’m obviously doing at the moment. I’m not where I’m supposed to be, I’m not where I’m being paid to be. Sigh.

Oh well.

At the back of my mind I have this sneaky suspicion that introspection is bad. It’s so self-indulgent and so self-centered. It’s about being this person that whines on and on about this and that, going round in circles till she trips herself up only to get up and continue circling.

I can’t help but wonder sometimes that I would probably be better off just getting on with the world, picking up the pace, participate more, morph into a go-getter of some sort. And then I think, how decidedly mundane that is. Me, who more often than not, snorts in derision when encountering someone of that ilk. Of course one could argue that the contempt stems from jealousy, and I’ll admit maybe a little bit, but it’s also because I find their success and enthusiasm in all things material, shallow. Perhaps it’s just me but I imagine them lacking in depth. It’s not a big surprise then that I prefer the lot that bemoans the state of themselves and the world, finding their company infinitely more interesting and not to mention comforting and self-affirming as well.

Anyway.

Here I am waiting for the phone technician to arrive. He’s 20 minutes late and his tardiness annoys me. So what this means is that I’m finally going to get broadband fixed up in my place after having had it with being unable to blog in office or at home whenever inspiration strikes. I still write even without internet access but the time delay usually means that by the time I post it, if at all, the relevance has passed. Then again aside from blogging there’s a lot more I should be doing with and on the Net. The good thing is there isn’t any worry of getting addicted because if I had been so inclined it would have happened a long time ago. I just want to teach myself to make more use of it. Hm, think I’ll start by surfing porn sites. Oh yeah baby ;)

Win, win

If you stay, you’re a martyr.
If you leave, you’re justified.

I know this all too well.

Every so often it occurs to me,
You would be this good to anyone.

You would be this loving,
this kind,
this considerate,
to someone,
anyone else,
in my place.
It is just the way you are,
As I am sure you were before.

I think I could not hold on to you,
(Why should I need to?)
I think I do not deserve,
Someone this loving,
This kind,
This considerate
When I myself am not.

And you know this all too well

You were right.
There is nothing you could do better,
There is no need to question,
There is no area for improvement.

The insecurity is mine
The inadequacy,
Mine alone.

I keep asking why,
Because I see what you are,
I can see how I am,
And I despair at the disparity.

I talk about change,
But the setbacks,
(One step forward, two steps back)
bring me smack down to earth.

It is not bitterness, it is resignation.

Even as I write this I imagine you thinking “Oh no, not again! Not another round of reassurance. When will she stop? When will what I say be enough?”

There is no need for reassurance, not this time.

I wrote this a week ago, a week on and I’m surprised that it’s still relevant. In fact I could have written it months ago and not have had to change a single word.

I can’t find my voice; it’s choked at the lump in my throat. All the pent up frustration just turns into aggression simmering just below the surface. And I, I try to quell, to suppress, to smother, me.

I can’t stand me, I’m not fair to you, I’m sorry and I love you.