Dealing

It's been 3 plus weeks by rough calculation since it all began. Started early September. I'm thinking write therapy might help me work through the difficult situation better. Having heart palpitations and sudden cold fear when under stress has started to worry me. Only now has the realization dawned on me of the extent to which I'm woefully ill-equipped to handle extreme stress.

My mother is battling depression and I'm struggling to handle it and my reactions to it. It's been a week plus since she started her medication, I still regret not getting her started on it earlier. I know I'm not the one going through it but the worry, stress and fear makes me want to run for the hills so I won't have to deal with the pain and bleakness. I want it to be gone, I want out of the worry and anxiety. I know the facts, I know the time it's going to take, I know we are doing all we can but I can't help but want it fixed now so I can breathe and smile again without a care. It is selfish I know, but right now I'm afraid. Not of death but of the pain and suffering.

Worrying to the point of anxiety is too much. Anxiety to the point I'm sleep deprived is too much. I've also noticed a slight fear when I go to bed alone at night.

Dealing with the worry and anxiety is paramount, can't let it get out of hand. I find little enjoyment in anything and trying to distract myself is very temporary. I have this feeling that enjoying anything is somehow wrong when my mum is suffering and so is my dad the care giver. I know this is ridiculous, I am here and they are there, what's worrying and mopping going to do to help them?

In a few days I'm off for a wedding overseas, my sister will be the one going back this weekend. Yet I wonder if i can quit worrying. It takes time, time, time, I repeat this mantra to my mum and dad and yet I'm the one with the major difficulty accepting it. Accepting my powerless-ness to speed time up, and to lessen their suffering.

I have to learn to DEAL with this effectively. I'm not doing anyone any favours, not myself and certainly not them. And also my darling hun who's been my patient hero throughout. He's had to deal with an anxiety-ridden, sad and listless me day in day out. He encourages me and gives me practical advice which I know is sound, but the execution of which I'm failing at as yet. I told him with this trial it gives me perspective at least, how the many petty things I used to fret about at him I would gladly give anything to have again. And then I would take those petty things throw them away and rejoice at being so lucky and happy just to have each other.

I'm planning to write everyday if possible to work out my fears and anxiety through this period. To remind myself that whatever will happen, will happen and in fact has already happened, the path is already layed out. One step at a time, we're heading towards the inevitable.

Things to do:
1. Finding out if my company has any medical insurance coverage for parents of employees.

This ill ease will pass in a day or two. The ill ease of a post-disagreement despite it being 'sorted'. An ill ease of having been disagreeable in the first place and then taking so long to claw back to sanity. A guilt that's hard to displace and reconcile in every after.

Sometimes it feels like I'm standing back coolly watching as the other me does all the wrong things.

So in this murky mire I wander upon photos of people I'll never know and they're all happy, well-adjusted. It seems so easy for them. Then a shard of cold sharp fear pierces through and I am more troubled than before. I look at how little it took and find it hard not to despair.

No skeletons in my closet. How about yours?

One really shouldn't leave evidence lying around.

But even so I'm not sure it bothers me. Obviously it was removed (hidden?) so it wouldn't, but right now it's just a big yawn to me. Probably because I'd figured all along. What's more interesting is that I was right. Big deal.

And it's me that's supposed to be sneaking around, being mysterious and hiding things? How ironic. But still, not at all surprising.

I'm not upset, not right now. But who knows, maybe my indignance will get the better of me.

So. What's else don't I know? (And I'm tempted to say who cares anyway?)

The point Dr. Watson, and I'm sure you'll agree is that it was kept away in the first place.

Workspace

All's quiet on the work front. Getting into gear after the long break was a pain though.

Though I wish I could crack the whip to get some butts moving, I have to work within the confines of playing the amiable cheerleader that never tires or loses patience in 'encouraging' them to do as I ask. Quite the opposite of my usual 'Tell you once, and I'd better not have to tell you again' attitude. Blergh.

Things work differently here, there's little to no respect for the sanctity of project accountibility, planning, timelines and deliverables. It's because they (we) are in an operational environment which centers around routine day to day activities which as my higher up would say comes first before all else. It's a paradigm shift for me as I've spent years working on 'projects' however big or small, and operational work was never something I had encountered.

It definitely has it's pro's; no one ever has reason to stress out. The day begins and ends at exactly the same time, and work stays in the office and never needs to be brought home. If you're efficient and follow processes to a T, you'll do great. But even I can see that that will not get anyone anywhere. It's the side-projects based on operational improvement or customer satisfaction that will differentiate the project manager from the rest. The highest chance of learning things that can add value here and elsewhere are also in the projects.

Someday (soon? latter?) I will have to face the facts and decide, but for now I'm enjoying my time in the cool shade, sitting on the wooden bridge, with dangling legs and toes twirling patterns in the lazy stream...

Thinking

I can never get my head straight enough to write. The moment I feel like writing, my mind takes off in a million different directions rending me effectively paralyzed.

It's the end of a long 4 day weekend and I've put off work I brought home to do which means I've been having Tuesday blues on Monday, heh. Would have easily solved the problem just by doing the work rather than mopping about it eh? Should do a lot of things I put off. Like cleaning the house, like planning The Holiday, like having lunch with ex-colleagues, like visiting the friends new house and a million other things I've avoided.

He said I must not love him anymore. It would seem so wouldn't it, when I come home and am not happy to see him? No smile, no hug. That occured to me to. How can you snap at someone you loved only a moment ago?

I give women a bad name. You couldn't tell from my public face, but honestly the mood swings ( if that is what they are) which only he sees, are whiplash-quick. I find the reason(s) difficult to pin down. I get confused about which was the source and which ones developed or where dredged up as a result of the downward spiral. They just keep compounding, confounding.

I said I needed to think, to figure my behaviour out. But then immediately after that the storm passed and we've spent the past 2 days in blissful peace. Camraderie regained, smiles and hugs all round. Who knows how long it will last? And so it is and has always been.

I'm running out of things to say, reasons or excuses to give, advice to receive, solutions to dream up and try (and forget and abandon it would seem). The love is implicit. So why doesn't it work all the time? What am I doing wrong? What in fact is the matter with me? This is something 3 plus years together hasn't resolved.

I am the luckiest girl in the world. Really. Now how not to screw it up?