The difference

Being capable of foresight now, I realize that in hindsight, I was never really lonely; at least not in the way I define loneliness. I equate loneliness with enduring sadness and despair and a deep aching for a meaningful connection with another.

To me, there’s a difference between being lonely and being alone which is what I was. It’s a state of existence that does not necessarily involve emotion. Being alone for me was never coming first to anyone, be it family or friends. I imagine this sounds harsh and ungrateful, but I’m not complaining, just stating facts. It was not that I wasn’t loved, but I knew that if push ever came to shove and a choice had to be made, there wouldn’t have been anyone remaining beside me.

There really was nothing to be resentful, angry or even sad about the seeming unfairness of it all. It was just the way things were and it went on long enough for it to become second nature, implicit even. And to an extent it even had it’s uses as a shield that prevented hurt from intruding. I was securely closed off, believing I didn’t need anyone to get by. I suppose I thought it was admirable since it took strength to be alone without realizing that it takes even greater strength and courage to take a gamble at trusting someone else. The other thing I’ve come to realize now is that loneliness is not a choice, but you can always choose to remain alone regardless of whether you are or not.

There were the occasions when the solitariness would overwhelm me, but looking back it was probably more self-pity than the very real pain of loneliness. So drifting along like that, it became an acceptable way to live and a not too terrible one either.

Now that I’m technically not alone anymore, the irony is that loneliness has become an absolute surety in some possible endings of a future that fortunately can’t be predicted. As scary as it sounds, it is the result of a gamble built on trust and there are no regrets to be had even when in pessimism the consequences are dire.

Dreams (Unfinished)

This morning I woke up from a sleep heavy with dreams. They (the dreams) have been increasing in volume and complexity over the past few days. Maybe there’s something about having deep long sleep minus the minor interruptions in the shape of mysterious jolts and random noises that is conducive to dreaming. These dreams are so immersing that waking up is a disorientating affair. The reality of time and place seem like rude intrusions to a fully fleshed out alternative universe.

Anyway, the dreams have been neither happy or sad nor anything else, quite devoid of emotion really. The feeling is that of floating along passively watching a story play out with some ‘surprising bits’ here and there. However it’s the surprising bits that stay. If you, like me, believe that our dreams are a manifestation (though often times warped) of our conscious and sub-conscious waking lives, then these bits have a way of alarming the dreamer. You start to wonder how your mind could have conjured up something so far out and if you are indeed so depraved and unbalanced.

I think I wanted to go somewhere with this, but seem to have lost my bearings.

That’s it.

Proof.

Senility has set in.

Lights, Camera, Action!

Cinema going has always been challenging. It typically starts with ‘touring’ the shopping mall parking lot at least a million times before you can lock on to & trail some poor hapless shopper that has inconveniently forgotten where he’s parked. Once in the mall, be prepared to jostle with the surging weekend crowd as you try and cut a path to the cinema floor only to resign yourself to lining up for ages in a snaking line only to get front row seats (that's if you're lucky to even get tickets!).

Well of course you can reserve tickets right? Wrong. By some secret conspiracy, weekend shows are always fully booked. I imagine an entire battalion of people hunched in front of their PC’s waiting for the very moment the show opens for booking on the cinema website.

Which bring me to the fact that last week we watched 3 movies in Cathay Cineleisure at The Curve: Pirates of The Caribbean Dead Man’s Chest, Superman Returns & Slither, the first one free and the last two, back-to-back. It just occurred to me that we’ve never done this standard couple extra-curricular activity ever before. And while we’ve occasionally exclaimed that we ought to ‘one of these days’ we never got round to it. Guess this time we might have been mysteriously bitten by the mainstream cinema bug.

Back to the movies, fortunately all were pretty decent. Slither was tongue-in-cheek funny in a totally gross-out way as only movies about alien slugs with nefarious plans to take over the world can be. Definitely recommended, however it's still advisable to watch on an empty stomach ;)

Superman Returns was a nicely rounded story. I didn’t expect much but it turned out well anyway. Must say that the Superman theme did stir memories, though not as strong as that of the Star Wars theme (Big fan, big fan. I remember getting all sparkly-eyed and almost bouncing in my seat with excitement during the opening theme of the Star Wars prequels even though they eventually turned out to be huge letdowns)

The best part of this rare cinema-going experience? The look of rapt attention, complete with ‘goggly’ eyes and gaping mouth of my movie mate who for all intents and purposes might as well not have stepped into the cinema since they stopped making silent movies!

So next in line to watch will be the new M. Night Shyamalan movie, Lady in the Water. The movie snippets seem quite promising. Now whether we watch it in the cinema or via other ‘alternative’ means remains to be seen.

Banter

Noun: banter bantur

1. Light teasing repartee

Verb: banter

1. Be silly or tease one another

Call it what you may, I find myself getting tired of it sometimes, even dreading it.

Case in point, I go early for my classes so that I might have time to sit down and have dinner. I’m usually the earliest one at the coffee shop since I work so close by. And as I wait for my food to arrive I find myself hoping against hope that none of my fellow trainees will join me. They always do.

I’d much rather sit alone with my thoughts and or let my mind wander off into the great unknown if I so please. But I find myself interrupted, which could be all right under certain circumstances except that the ‘conversation’ always involves a lot of teasing, ribbing, smart aleck comments and I find myself obliged to respond in kind or even defend myself sometimes. If it happened once in a while, it’d be refreshing even invigorating perhaps, but after one too many times (even though I can more than hold my own) I just get fed-up and find myself longing for privacy or some kind of meaningful conversation. Unfortunately I have to grin and good-naturedly bear it, because if I am moody or silent or calm and reflective, that draws even more attention.

Perhaps I am getting more and more anti-social: having less of a stomach for frivolity. I used to hold it (banter) in quite high regard actually, having some talent for it, but now it just seems…empty. Sure it’s good for a few laughs and it does break the ice. But how many times do you need to break the ice before you can go beyond it? I suppose if it never gets past that, then it’s time to walk away.

It’s raining, quite heavily. Astro’s out as is usual, not like I was watching it anyway, just had it on mute, flickering at me so as not to disturb a certain slumbering someone. It’s past 12 midnight which means essentially it’s Monday already. Hm, don’t feel blue yet, that’s good I suppose.

I was just thinking of how bored I always feel. Nothing seems to interest me very much. Life just seems to plod on at a sedate pace with nothing but drab scenery all around. Whenever I dwell on it for even a short period of time it’s enough to set of an extended round of moodiness and depression. Conjuring things to look forward to does help to an extent of making the drudgery more bearable but it’s just a temporary means.

I want a passion that lasts, an interest that sustains. I guess it’s the cliché of wanting to find meaning, a reason for continuing to live, a purpose. Without it, everything seems so trivial, so unnecessary, such a complete and utter waste of time. And all the while time just slips by unchecked. I dare not think about a future filled with this never-ending emptiness.

There has to be something more than this.