Being capable of foresight now, I realize that in hindsight, I was never really lonely; at least not in the way I define loneliness. I equate loneliness with enduring sadness and despair and a deep aching for a meaningful connection with another.
To me, there’s a difference between being lonely and being alone which is what I was. It’s a state of existence that does not necessarily involve emotion. Being alone for me was never coming first to anyone, be it family or friends. I imagine this sounds harsh and ungrateful, but I’m not complaining, just stating facts. It was not that I wasn’t loved, but I knew that if push ever came to shove and a choice had to be made, there wouldn’t have been anyone remaining beside me.
There really was nothing to be resentful, angry or even sad about the seeming unfairness of it all. It was just the way things were and it went on long enough for it to become second nature, implicit even. And to an extent it even had it’s uses as a shield that prevented hurt from intruding. I was securely closed off, believing I didn’t need anyone to get by. I suppose I thought it was admirable since it took strength to be alone without realizing that it takes even greater strength and courage to take a gamble at trusting someone else. The other thing I’ve come to realize now is that loneliness is not a choice, but you can always choose to remain alone regardless of whether you are or not.
There were the occasions when the solitariness would overwhelm me, but looking back it was probably more self-pity than the very real pain of loneliness. So drifting along like that, it became an acceptable way to live and a not too terrible one either.
Now that I’m technically not alone anymore, the irony is that loneliness has become an absolute surety in some possible endings of a future that fortunately can’t be predicted. As scary as it sounds, it is the result of a gamble built on trust and there are no regrets to be had even when in pessimism the consequences are dire.
2 comments:
Disaster and catastrophe is always a big fear, in reality, life and love - but at which point does wariness about the future cross into an overwhelming darkness that completely blocks out the ability to fully appreciate the present?
Our minds are so susceptible to fear and paranoia that it's easy to be consumed by it, and we become unaware that we are the source of it ourselves, unaware that our logic and reason become usurped and undermined by that fear.
I realise that you write this in introspect and rhetoric, but sweetie, I can only see you in my future. :)
I am well aware hun. I have already reasoned all these things out, especially how fear of consequences can prevent one from enjoying the present, which is such an irony when you come to think of it.
And as hard as it might be to believe, I wasn’t dwelling (honest!). As you said it was introspective. I wrote this a while back, there just happened to be some time delay. This isn’t what last night was about. Perhaps it was just that a good cry was in order for whatever truly inexplicable reason. (I am a mystery to myself, oy!)
Not to say I don’t have these thoughts lurking at the back of my mind, but for the most part I think I don’t do too badly at attempting to banish them and it does promise to get better.
And you’re right, I didn’t need the reassurance, I think you being exactly as you are is exactly what the doctor prescribed :p.
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