Watching the ticking clock

..literally.

Feeling hungry (only just). Hunger is such an immediate thing isn't it? No slow building or gradual acknowledgement, just a sudden pang and that's it; must-have-food-now! it cries. But I digress as much as my stomach begs to differ.

It's late in the night, or early morning and I should sleep if only so I can get up early enough not to miss any important calls that could change my situation. But I sit and stare and idly surf, get up and pace watched by quiet walls, lie back and fluctuate from calm to anxienty, to sadness, to self-pity/self-loathing, to bouts of crying, to pits of despair, to hopefulness, to optimism and back and forth, and back and forth again.

I stand by what I said, but I still need to examine things thoroughly. There is an area of immediate concern, but if I get rid of it, will there be any remaining issues uncovered? The kinds of issues that could be real deal-breakers if they can't be resolved. I don't know yet what they might be but there is only one way to find out. So that is the first step, with your help and my helping myself.

I've always known though that in principles we are fundamentally the same. Which is why I say that trust should be a non-issue. I trust myself completely without exceptions and I should afford that same level of trust to you and vice-versa. While we will never be able to prove beyond a doubt the other's trustworthiness, for some reason I am certain that you and I live by the same rules. In this one respect I will never waver. And it is not a chore my dear, not something I have to remind myself of, it is as natural as breathing and it is a joy to have you in an imaginary cartoon bubble wherever I go, whomever I see, whatever I do. There has only been you, not even in the worst of times has this changed. And sadly I can not convince you enough, this is something you must realise on your own. But when you need me to repeat it I will, till the day it becomes a refrain that resonates from within you.

What dreams may come

I've been inundated with dreams. Unfortunately not the waking kind with aspirations of the future but the kind you have when sleep overtakes.

And I've had all kinds over the years, those that retell the past, foretell the future (yes, I've had those a few times) and most recently a barrage of those that are for want of a better word, vivid. It's so real it could be really happening. Everything in slow motion so that every word, every nuance, every action and reaction is felt keenly, deeply, truthfully. If only they were happy then it'd be a joy to remember each detail in technicolour when waking hour comes round.

The logical side of me says I shouldn't put any stock in it, after all the dreams are not of actual events and neither is there any indication that they are premonitions of the future. But I find it hard to let it go and dismiss it as meaningless drivel product of an over active imagination and a renegade subconsious. This is simply because of the emotion spent in its vivid throes were more real than real. They weren't very convoluted either, each scene, each message was crystal clear.

I know what I should do of course, face the deeper issues I may have rather than consuming them whole and leave the waking reality unscathed by my fictional hurt. That would be easier if the content of this most recent one wasn't so transparent that my ego would deny it to the death and will probably not survive a retelling. And the prospect of having it dismissed summarily doesn't encourage either.

In case you were thinking that you are exempt from such folishness, haven't you ever been disturbed by a dream? Something you find hard to shake off even days after the fact?

I have no conclusions. I guess we wait for it to pass, for the world to intrude with distractions and wipe out the neccesary.

On the playlist

Lifehouse
Live
Radiohead
Dashboard Confessional
Semisonic
Zero 7
Heaven
Collective Soul
Fuel

..are some of the bands I'm re-listening at the moment. There's a derth of new bands or releases from old bands worth paying any attention to right now. Either that or trawling through the indie playlists for gems is a daunting task for this lazy ass. Heh, probably more of the latter rather than former. Still a quick check of the latest playlists reveal Kyte and The Scripts as promising bands. Yup, time to hunker down and give them a test drive.

Now that I have all the time in the world

..I sleep a lot later than I should, everynight, weeknights included. As expected I wake up just before noon and feel guilty that it has taken me so long to start my day when others have already been slogging earning a living for nearly half of it. But then again I've grown into it, this 'taking a break' lifestyle. It's something which came as a complete surprise after the intinial 2 anxious weeks after I quit and it scares me when I let it, least it mean that I will never again get off my ass, don a suit and go back to work like normal people.

I'm still wavering between the 2 camps; the sensible quickly find a job and be a hardworking earning citizen once again camp and the free-spirited go on a holiday, discover yourself and don't worry, when you've had enough then start the job search camp. I've always taken the practical, reasonable road for as long as I can remember. Deciding to quit my new job without a safety net was a major departure. One that I didn't expect even those closest to me to understand, but they have all surprised me by being more positive about it than I was.

So at the moment I'm taking the middle path. I'm keeping an eye out for a job but taking my time going about it while at the same time trying to minimize worry about getting future employment and enjoying this rare extended leisure.

And oh, by the way I'm on the market, so if you have a job that could use my touch, do drop me a line. I don't come cheap though. Heh, unemployed and still tarik harga :) Well, at least I know my worth yes?