Freeing my mind

"When the sea is rough, sediment is churned up and the water becomes murky, but when the wind dies down the mud gradually settles and the water becomes clear."

So concludes day one of meditation. Not too easy to begin with, but ear plugs help to block out noise and amplify the sound of breathing and heartbeats that I then used to concentrate on. Still am able to feel pain though, my usual back ache reared it's head and strange stomach pangs were felt. I read somewhere though that these symptoms could be the body reacting to the act (meditation) of releasing stress. Strangest thing though, when I finally opened my eyes I felt light-headed and taller! Well not exactly taller but probably because it felt like I was floating. Nice.

Heh, thoughts that intruded included disembodied voices repeating intructions how-to and getting excited about telling him that I'd begun trying it out.

"If we train our mind to become peaceful we shall be happy all the time, even in the most adverse conditions, but if our mind is not peaceful, then even if we have the most pleasant external conditions we shall not be happy."

That struck me. I consider myself to be in 'pleasant external circumstances' but have somehow not been able to find lasting contentment, quite the opposite in fact. It's always lead to so much grief, guilt and self-loathing that I'm unable to be grateful and happy when I have every reason to be. Always leading myself in a one way path to self-destuction.

Note to self: Must not engage in ponderous activity and further thinking right after meditating. Stopping now.

"What a wild beast you be.." - DMB

Coming to terms with duality, the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome, or worse, multiple personalities? Hm.

Case in point; I've been saying goodbye for the last 2 months, lamenting his pending (at that time) absense incessantly but at the same time I looked forward to it sometimes, often when I was angry but also when I wasn't. Today there were no tears and his comforting words unnecessary. Oh it's nothing sinister really, it's just that it's not as long as the last time and time apart can be good. Funny how on my own I'm a mellower version of the hypersensitive creature I am when we're together. I'm less of the me he knows. A me who is very tiresome to both of us. I certainly confound him by one day telling him that I'm tired of him being around all the time and the next day saying I wish we had more waking hours to spend together. My poor hun, I can see his eyes rolling back in his head!

It's the push and pull in equal measure. I wish I could fully explain how the both are true at exactly the same time. Maybe it's the same way that light has the paradoxial nature of both waves and photons.