Who's watching you?

I feel exposed.

I’ve never liked people looking over my shoulder even while doing something as harmless like reading the newspaper. I especially dislike people (complete strangers, colleagues, friends and family, basically anyone) curiously looking at my laptop screen when they should be minding their own business. And I mean this in the nicest way possible, because some people don’t mean to be nosy.

So this morning while waiting for the lift on my way to the office, I bumped into the lady who sits at the desk behind me. We exchange smiles and greetings and then after some shuffling of feet and staring at the floor, she said:

“So, busy with work?”

I mumbled something about usually being busy but unusually free this week and then we parted ways.

Now, I’ve never spoken to this woman before. She most probably doesn’t know my name, what I do or even which division I work for, but instead of asking these standard ‘first conversation’ questions, she assumes I’m busy and asks for confirmation. Either that or she was being a sarcastic smart ass. Whatever it is, I am a little disturbed that she has been observing and that I have no idea what conclusions she has formed.

So I walked behind her desk today and realized that she has full view of my laptop screen. Damn, the stupid open office plan! I can’t wait till we move, though I doubt it’ll be any better. Hmph, double damn!

(Yes, I know what you’re thinking, wa-ay too paranoid)

The Little Boy in the Desert

I had a dream about a little boy in a desert. His mother left him (with suitcase in hand) up in the sand dunes. And as he stood rooted, (with lollipop melting in his hand) his shadow grew long. They had no faces, his mother and he. And though she left him, she went nowhere, for it was a painting I saw.

Things that make you go "Hmm"

It’s mid-afternoon, approximately another hour plus to go.

I should be busy, but I’m not. Not because I’m slacking off but because I’ve done all I can and now have to wait for others so I can continue. I would offer to help them but in this case, staying out of the way would be best. It seems that no matter how much you plan ahead and set deadlines, everything only comes together at the last minute. This is especially true when you need to depend on input from others. Just one tiny delay and the postponement snowballs and escalates up. Sigh. And so I wait.

I just hope it won’t be too much of a rush tomorrow with me having to leave early to catch the flight and all. Oh hell, who am I kidding?

********************

It’s September. Very soon it’ll be the last quarter of the year. (Yes, I AM stating the obvious). I was trying to recall the events of the past 9 months searching for memorable incidents and came up blank. It has something to do with my terrible sieve-like memory and a theory I came up with that perhaps so much has happened in the eventful 9 months that it’s difficult to single out any one memory. It’s neither good nor bad I guess, this inability to dredge up life’s peaks and valleys, it just is.

And so I start to think of the remaining few months and wonder what I’d like to achieve before the year ends. It’s not that the year-end is a do-or-die deadline but it is useful as a checkpoint to stop and take stock. Unfortunately I’ve also come up blank in this respect. Oh dear.

But it also seems that something like this (the lack of plans), which would ordinarily distress me, only raises the mildest ripple of concern now. It’s all very matter-of-fact, just a little something that makes me stroke my imaginary beard and go ‘Hmm’.

Chronicles of a (failed) birthday planner

4^th September 2006

10.30pm Monday

1 week remaining

Darling,

It’s less than a week till your birthday and I still haven’t got everything firmed down. Funny how I’ve been planning and conspiring for more than a month and still have yet to make up my mind. I just want things to be perfect hun. I want you to be surprised, delighted, touched and above all, have the best time of your life.

Today was a stressful day rushing to beat a deadline. And yet work was the least of my worries, I only stressed out when the credit card guy told me to expect my new credit card to arrive next week. Next week??!! How am I supposed to pay for your birthday hun? With a truckload of cash? It seems my plans are in danger of going up in flames.

And I know you hun, you don’t want too much fuss, just like me. But I do want to make a big fuss over you hun, if only to show I care enough to give it thought and make a great big effort.

Hmph. We’re always going to have problems making plans for and giving each other things. The other party is always too accommodating and wary not to cause the other person too much trouble. Neither of us is much of a taker, which makes giving that much harder.

Well I have a few days left with which to decide once and for all how we will celebrate the day. And hopefully, you will not have to reassure me when the time comes that you like what I’ve done while I anxiously wring my hands trying to gauge your ‘actual’ enjoyment level.

Oh hun, I’m way too neurotic for you!

Goodnight my love,

11.00pm

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5^th September 2006

6.45 pm Tuesday

6 days remaining

Hi hun,

I’m at the ‘mamak’ place round the corner from my house, ordered the same meal as usual.

I finally received my credit cards today. The office admin girl was a little taken aback by my enthusiasm at receiving the package, heh. Did you notice the plural? Yup, the dodgy credit card sales guy sold me two credit cards instead of one, further reinforcing my dislike for sales people in general.

I went to Bangsar at lunchtime today hun, specifically to order your birthday cake. I think I hemmed and hawed way too long for the helpful and very patient girl at the counter. I hope I made the right choice in the end, either way it will be too big for both of us to finish. Guess the housemates will benefit then.

Later that night I came over to do some research on dinner venues (I really must get broadband fixed up at home). I kinda had my heart set on Jogoya. It’s a Japanese buffet at Starhill Gallery, my colleague recommended it when we were out for crabs. Apparently though expensive, it’s supposed to be really good and with huge variety. Thing is there were some not so good reviews and I was having doubts as to the suitability of a buffet for birthday dinner. All the walking about getting food wouldn’t be conducive to conversation nor contribute to a relaxing meal. But I was still keen on Japanese and so tried to find other avenues. I narrowed it down to Genji in PJ Hilton, Kampachi in Equatorial KL, Zipangu in Shangri-La. I was already a little deflated by this time, because none of them seemed suitable. In fact I was to find out the very next day after calling all of them up that Sunday dinner was not a good option.

Back to square one.

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7^th September 2006

10.17am Thursday

(Pseudo-Wednesday)

4 days remaining

Hun,

I missed writing yesterday. Blame it on the sis and bro who wanted a chat after I got back. Could hardly chase them out of my room since I’m hardly around anyway. (ok, ok, that and my laziness combined J.

Yesterday was pretty eventful. Asked Chew Ling, Camillia and May Ching’s gay friend (he’s very in the know hun) for dinner venue suggestions. I was pretty panicky by then. He suggested this Austrian restaurant, supposedly quaint and cosy with good food to boot. I was thoroughly overjoyed, up until the point I was informed by their website that they close on Sundays.

So anyway after vetting thru all their other suggestions and finding none meeting my ‘exacting’ standards, I made up my mind to take you to Opus. Remember Opus hun? It’s a pretty cosy place, Italian, which you like, and we we’re supposed to go there for our first date. We never made it, but then again that’s another ‘adventurous’ story.

On my way to your place for dinner that night I decided to just make a quick detour to check out Opus. To my surprise I discovered that there are a few new restaurants open in the same row. One in particular looked very inviting. On hindsight it must have been because of the wine bottles lining the walls and the cellar like ambience.

I think I might have just hit pay dirt J.

Gotta go for a meeting hun, muah.

10.30am

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9^th September 2006

10.42am Saturday

2 days remaining

Only 2 days to go. Ok, so I haven’t written for the past 2 days too. I have excuses!

Let me continue with the 7^th first.

(Pseudo-Thursday)

Got on the Net in the morning to search for the little place I discovered the night before and whaddya know, it serves Spanish cuisine. In fact it’s name, Cava means ‘cellar’ in Catalan. That did it, I finally made the decision. Consulted Chew Ling just to be sure and upon receiving her thumbs up, reserved a table for Sunday night. Looks like we’re good to go hun. I am pleased.

(Pseudo-Friday)

Went to that Austrian restaurant I was hoping to take you to, this time to celebrate May Ching’s birthday. It was as quaint and cosy as he said, but a little too noisy with all the chatter going on (us girls certainly contributed more than our fair share :P).

Before we dozed off for the night, we discussed our plans for the next day.looks like your heart is set on the jersey. I do hope the shops stock it hun,otherwise you will be quite disappointed.

Back to Saturday morning

9^th September 2006

How sweet to wake up next to you. To caress your sleeping face and feel such tenderness and then to chuckle to myself as you open your startled eyes at my touch and make grumpy noises of protest as you bury yourself deeper into the pillows.

We went shopping today. Achieved quite a bit: got your watch fixed, bought some gifts for your family (I’m not nervous, yet), and bought your birthday present! Is it really the best birthday present you ever received hun? Oh no, then I have my work cut out for me for your coming birthdays. But I am happy that you like it even though it couldn’t be a surprise.

You’re welcome hun.

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10^th September 2006

3.15pm Sunday

9 hours remaining

It isn’t a big deal for you I know hun. Makes me feel a little silly then making such a big deal out of it. Should you even read this? Would you feel embarrassed that your girlfriend has a juvenile fascination for birthdays when she should have out-grown it oh, I don’t know, maybe when she was 10? I feel as if I shouldn’t place any emphasis whatsoever, I should just be cool and blasé. I should ape you. But I am not you am I hun? So why even try pretend? I wonder if you will think all this is more for me to please myself than for you? Is this all proof that I don’t know you at all?

I am letting insecurity in as usual. It’s the rotten old side getting the better of me again. After all I know exactly how you will respond: with much love, comfort and understanding.

All will be well, I love you hun.

(It’s time to stop typing and wake you up from your nap)

It is: 3.30 pm

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11th September 2006

12.47pm Monday

One more thing hun, I almost forgot, Happy Birthday! :)