On not being tied down

(written 5 months ago)

My bedroom is a testimony to my non-committal nature. But as recent as yesterday there has been this burgeoning feeling that I want this to change. Get committed, even if it is only to furniture. That would be a start.

Everything about me is about non-committance (there is no such word, I looked!). It’s all about not making concrete decisions, things that would tie me down. I always have the backdoor open just in case. After all these years of being on my own and earning my own keep, I have scarcely anything to show for it. All my possessions could fit into a car. Of course one could argue that possessions are not everything, but they do indicate a level of ‘settled-ness’ of being your own person, an indication that you don’t expect everything to be temporary and therefore have taken every pain to prepared for that eventuality.

Case in point, look at how long it took me to decide to buy a car! It’s my only significant possession (though technically the finance company still owns it till I complete my payments). The only reason I finally got it is due to my sister’s insistence and nagging. If it were up to me I’d still be procrastinating a few years on and finding all sorts of reasons why I shouldn’t get a car (“I should hold out for a newer model”, “I should wait until finances improve”, “Public transport is still do-able”, etc, forever and ever Amen.) And right till the end when I signed on the dotted line, I was still trying to back out of it.

Why this feeling that everything is transient, that I need to have a fall back plan, just in case things go south overnight? It applies to everything: work, relationships, living arrangements, possessions (or the lack of them). Amazing. What kind of life is this? I want the creature comforts, and I could afford it, but I live minimally and in relationships I have struggled in the past to have optimism and trust in someone else and not doubt and prepare for the worst all the time. I think I’m being smart, streetwise perhaps. But it seems like a half life, to what end this?