I am not selfless

One shouldn't have to try so hard, do so much, and get nothing in return.

A 5-minute window of opportunity

Quick!

I'm back home in Ipoh for CNY and have only just managed to tap into an unsecured wifi connection. Unfortunately it locks me out every 5 minutes or so.

Hurry!

3 days into CNY and I'm already dying a slow certain death of boredom and neglect. There's (unfortunately?) only one place I really belong hence my impatience and dreariness when I'm away from it.

Time's almost up!

I've been thinking that I'll live my life looking forward to things. A way of making the present bearable by always looking forward, planning and scheming for the next exciting event. I remember a friend of mine who said she had to make sure she had weekend plans because looking forward to it made the weekdays pass easier. I know there are those who will (and have) expounded the wisdom of living in the present but that hasn't worked for me yet. Maybe there'll be time for that in the future when I'm ready to be mellower and stop expecting more out of every second. But for now my wisdom lies in seeking happiness the only way I know how.

Even if you don't agree and see it as a risky proposition to be so 'un-zen' I think you'll agree that trying to live the 'right' way without regard for what your capable of, is a sure way to lasting misery. And on my part if my expectations fall short, I'll just have to pick myself up again and move down the list to the next thing to look forward to.

The window's closing!

So right now I'm looking forward to (in order):

Valentine's Day!
Go-karting!

Over and out!

Time to kill

It's not over yet and it's already too short.

This year-end break is one of the longest I've ever taken and very possibly the most enjoyable. Technically I haven't gone anywhere or done anything especially 'holiday-like' but the sense of freedom (from a fixed schedule, responsibilities, drudgery etc) has been wonderfully more than adequate.

In general I dislike taking (wasting) leave unless there's a reason for it ie. as in there are specific holiday plans. I am a slave to the limited nature of annual leave and as such treat it like gold. But this time I find myself pondering the possibility of extending the holiday and weighing the consequences work-wise.

Perhaps you could call it escapism, this distance and apathy I now feel about all things work related. It's a creeping realisation that things have become a matter of dull routine and while the drop in quality might not be immediately apparent, the attention to minute detail and the desire to go the extra mile has gone out the window. Going back means facing it and taking action, a prospect I don't look forward to as change does not come easy to me.

Strangely it feels like everyone else is on leave too. I find myself surprised each time I'm reminded that other people are slogging away while I wake up in the wee hours of the afternoon, spend a disproportionate amount of time concocting pleasurable ways and means of filling my tummy and luxuriantly while the day away.

For now all that needs to be done is to continue to enjoy the rest of the holiday, which evidently won't be a hard task at all ;)

PS: There's a New Year's Eve makan (and minum!) to be planned! Yippee!

The scourge of humankind

Facebook is a scary place. It’s a virtual reality where you ‘poke’ (and superpoke) random ‘friends’ whom you don’t even speak to in real life. A place where six degree’s of separation is more like two as you discover that that minor acquaintance (now afforded the dubious honour of friend), once went hiking with your best friend’s, brother-in-law’s dog. It’s not the best place for private people to be as you receive one after another shocking friend requests. People who you thought had fallen off the face of the earth, resurrect in frighteningly lively ways.

It’s with morbid fascination that I watch my friends list grow, not by leaps and bounds but slowly and surely like a fungus with menacing deliberation, spreading it’s spores into every nook and cranny.

What? You can’t tell? I love Facebook!

The old and new

It's my birthday so I should write something, now really.

Have been neglecting the good ol' blog after starting a food blog just recently. And since we eat at least two meals a day everyday, this means that there's so much material and only so little time to catch up with the back load of food postings. I'm enjoying it though since I'd always wanted to start one, being quite the diligent food blog reader. And it's am exciting new avenue as it's very public as everyone from my family to my colleagues, to the stranger on the street, Tom, Dick and Harry have free access to it and can identify it as expressly written by this real life person. It's nice for a change to be so....exposed.

Anyway, if you're interested: http://dinnerisserved.wordpress.com

I was just telling bran last night that the passage of time and the impending big 3-0 next year now no longer felt majorly daunting because I had him with me. And I'm kind of disappointed that I have to admit this because I feel that it's a disservice to single people, the epitome of which I used to be for many many years. The idea that being on your own in actual fact can be really hard. I'm still a champion for single people since I've experienced first hand how much flak society in general doles out. But now i can see that behind the gung-ho independent facade, things aren't always rosy and time on your own takes it's toll eventually.

I'll try not to let my shiny new love supersede my enduring love for this site. So must work twice as hard now. Gambatte! :)

In lieu of something more Important

November’s come round again, and I’m not unhappy! Although being in danger of not being able to count as high as how old I’m going to become this month should send me into a panic attack, I’m still not unhappy!

This must be what unchecked, wanton happiness will do to a person.

(And in a superhuman effort not to ramble, I shall stop here until I can form a cohesive narrative of something more Important.)

Tales of Mere Existence - Lev Yilmaz

This is just the kinda stuff that makes me feel like a creative under-achiever:
http://www.youtube.com/user/AgentXPQ
http://www.ingredientx.com/index.htm

Can I be him when I grow up?

The Massage

I know I have a masochistic streak but this was way too painful. Instead of dozing off in tranquil bliss as was my expectation, I was fully awake for the whole 2 hours most of which I spent gasping in pain. For a slip of a girl she seemed to know exactly where it hurt the most and milked it for all it was worth. I finally couldn’t keep from crying out any longer and blurted out that it hurt while she was pulverizing my shoulder muscles. She seemed taken aback and in her soft voice befitting her slender frame, she told me there had to something wrong with me if it was painful since she wasn’t using much force (I say! My still tender bits beg to differ!).

She then offered up the proverbial Asian malady called ‘angin’ as the possible cause. It literally translates into ‘wind’ in English. I never understood what it meant, but all Asian (or at least South-East Asian) races seem to offer it up as the cause of joint and muscular aches and pains. And each race has its own traditional medicinal concoctions to treat this mysterious affliction.

At least the hot ginger tea at the end of the (torture) session was delicious. For now I’m watching my well-oiled torso and extremities for signs of purple-hued bruises.

Missives from afar #3

My dearest,

As you know my nose decided to turn on the taps today just when I thought I was well on the way to recovery. Being sick for 2 weeks is tiring, the sore throat, fever, phlegm and now flu. Wish I had you here to cook chicken soup for me (and yes I’ll admit coddle me) but it’s also good that you’re not, otherwise you would’ve probably caught it to. It sucks anyway, it musses up plans. I want to get this and that done but instead spend my time lying in bed or on the couch feeling miserable.

I made an appointment for my first (:p) body massage this coming Monday. Went to check out the place yesterday, you know to access its dodginess rating (if at all), and it seems a pretty decent place with its Balinese décor and masseuses clad casually in jeans and pink collared shirts. So I’m looking forward to my two hour pampering treat though I must remember to tell them to go easy on my new collection of mystery bodily bruises, heh.

I’ve been getting along pretty decently, I find myself not counting down the days so much as adding them up, so it’s more of 1 week has passed, 2 weeks has passed instead of 29 days to go, 18 days to go and so on. Am not sure what this means. If anything, boredom will be the death of me, which is why so long as I’ve planned activities and keep myself occupied, I’m actually pretty good. I’ve also gotten into the habit of looking at the time and calculating what time it is in Sydney, heh. And you know what? I dream of that North-South Expressway drive to KLIA, I really like it. I even contemplate taking that drive just for the fun of it, but then I think it’s too silly and I’ll just wait till you return for the excuse to make that road trip again :).

Ooh! I just remembered, my friend gave me a whole bar of chocolates! It’s just the thing for colds :)

Muah! Love you lots hun.

PS. The thing with the delayed or lost sms-es is really annoying, though I’ve begun to accept it, becoming all zen and stuff. But it irks a little anyway especially when our only source of communication is unreliable.

On the past - yet again

Stumbled upon an “on and off” diary (the physical kind) started about 9 years ago. Found it while looking for a compilation of Jane Austen’s books that I never finished thinking that Persuasion might be among them; it wasn’t, which means getting a copy must go on my list of things to do.

Anyway, found scribbling on scraps of paper tucked into the diary, which by the way, not surprisingly consists of almost entirely cringe-worthy drivel.

***

On taking action:

Why don’t we say what we mean, Why distill, why censor? Why care so much about how it will be received. Why the caution? Throw it to the wind, say what you mean. If not now then when? Never? Why keep it inside, why let it stew, why not let it out, let it live, let it go where it may. Let what consequences happen, happen. Why wait? Until when? Might not the matter with us be that we never say what we mean. We’re never honest to others much less ourselves. We’re so protective of our feelings, our thoughts. We hold back until we’re sure it will be reciprocated, until we’re sure it will be understood. Why won’t we let what will be, be? Life is too short to lie to people you care about.

Funny, I think I never took my own advice. But if I did, a lot less time would be wasted, and sure, a lot less people would stick around. Not many people can handle honesty, the absence of bullshit and the doing away of polite, sterile conversation.

***

On a friendship that slipped away:

When did it happen? How did I not see it slipping? Why did I not stem the tide? One day I turn around to find you’re not there, only to realize you haven’t been there for a long while, and I have learnt to live despite you.

They don’t see the surprise, the flash of pain when they talk about you (they don’t know what we had); little nuggets of information, simple things I should have known, things I used to be told first. These little people who never meant anything to you, they won’t know what it’s like to be replaced when I wasn’t told that I’d run my course.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise then that we’re lost to each other, but the questions I don’t have the answer to is “Why?”

It doesn’t matter now, but the reason wasn’t that we’d drifted apart as friends often do. All I can say was that the ‘slipping away’ was intentional, on whose part and why though I can hazard a guess, again is no longer of any importance.

***

Missives from afar #2

My dearest,

Health update: I’ve gotten over the worse of the sore throat and fever, but now I feel a cough coming on :!

***

I passed my exam! Yay!!! :) I was finished so quick that the admin girl at the testing centre did a triple take. Then she looked and my test score print-out and did another quadruple takes, heh heh!

Since I finished so early I decided to do a preliminary scout of the newly opened Gardens at Mid Valley. First things first, there’s still a lot of construction going on in the area so they’ve put up temporary tents to cover the walkway between MV and Gardens. And to boost the wow factor, the tents are lighted up with chandeliers!

Once you get to the entrance, there are bellboys smartly liveried in green ready to open the doors for customers. Scattered at the street level floor are oversized green sofa’s (recognize a theme here?) which under close inspection are more eye-catching for their super-size then for their elegance. They seem comfortable enough though. And everyone from weary aunties and uncles to foreign workers on their break where lounging in them.

Oohh….and they have touch-screen mall directories. No one seemed interested in them though, but I suspect it’s because they don’t realize it’s not just a LCD display but serves a function as well. The ground floor seems to carry luxury brands and on either end are the anchor tenants, Isetan and Robinsons. It’s good that Isetan has finally opened an outlet closer to PJ.

Alas, I didn’t walk into any shops or venture past the ground floor simply because my behemoth of a laptop was weighing too heavily on my shoulders. However this Saturday when I return to MV to catch a movie, I’ll make it a point to coerce the friends to have a walkabout and perhaps try the food outlets there. Yay!

Good night my love, muah!

Virulent

I'm livid at being sick. My throat hurts! It feels like something's lodged in the side of it and it rasps against tender nerves everytime i swallow.

I'd have been fine if not for the rogue germs my sick colleague so generously passed on to us. Imagine, all it took was 15 minutes in a meeting room and that was enough to send me scurrying for Strepsils and downing water by the gallons.

I'm so angry at him. This is no time to get sick!

:(

My First Crush

Aww..the animation is amazing and the stories so bittersweet.



Links:
http://www.youtube.com/user/juliapot
http://www.juliapott.com/index.htm

Missives from afar #1

My dear,

This has probably been the longest day in the history of the world. It started entirely too early (7am on a Sunday?!) and has dragged on even though it’s barely dinner time.

Not to say I haven’t done lots of things today; collected the dry clothes, did a load laundry, cleared out the fridge, tidied your room, went out for lunch, did my eyebrows, bought groceries, had my car washed, watched half a movie, futilely flipped Astro channels, and finally here I am. Thank God I get to cook dinner after this. Hooray for more time killed!

Guess what? I forgot my ATM pin number just now. Got it wrong twice then skulked off as I couldn’t hold the queue any longer while I hemmed and haw-ed conjuring up vaguely familiar combinations. So skulking off into the supermarket, I began to mentally cross things off the grocery list seeing as I only had fifty bucks (somehow it still never occurs to me to use a credit card). And as I wandered the aisles I continued to search for the missing pieces of my brain. It took me maybe 20 minutes, but I finally got it :). Now before you think I’m a complete scatterbrain all the time, this doesn’t happen often, but once in a while I’ll draw a blank at precisely the moment I see “Please enter your Personal Identification Number: _ _ _ _ _ _".

I’ve taken pains to make sure it doesn’t happen again though, I’ve got it written in code that only I can read and only I know where to find. However there might be one tiny flaw to the plan as I’m sure you’ve realized; I’m also liable to forget what the code means and where it is! Sigh, there’s no winning against myself.

I think I’ll never be as happy as I will be this month to embrace Mondays and go to work. At least I can distract myself with work and my colleagues which you know I’m not necessarily too enthusiastic about on ordinary days. I’m taking my exam this week so that’s the focus of my attention. I have a non-negotiable deadline to pass it before the Raya holidays which is the week after next, but more than that I really do want to pass it. Wish me luck my dear.

I can’t wait to see your photo’s and hear your stories when you get your Internetz plumbing fixed :p. Until then, one day down (but still too many to go).

Muah!

Separation Anxiety

I think it will be neither as tough or as easy as I sometimes imagine it will be. The month appears to both, loom large like a gaping black hole, and at the same time present an intriguing challenge I feel prepared to dive headlong into.

It won't be impossible to cope because if there was ever anyone who could survive solitude, it would be me. But on the flip side I'd also be the first to start bouncing off the walls in utter boredom. And if there was ever someone who would miss a ubiquitous presence with such a fierce intensity, that would be me. But I would also be the first to deny, hide it and put up a brave front.

Hm.

Some things you just can't prepare for (save for stockpiling on movie downloads that is :p)

Breezing by

Things I haven't written about:

• Paintball!! (and my bruise-envy)
  

• His 3-days long birthday celebration :)

• The death in the family

Just so you know.

Fade to black

My memories are getting blurrier these days. Used to be that I could remember exactly when in the past certain moments were shared, certain words were spoken, certain feelings savoured or hurt. Everything counted enough to have their time of occurrence neatly jotted down and stored away. So, I'm losing grip on the past. I'd love to believe that this is due to me mellowing out and letting things slide by naturally but maybe the sheer volume of data from keeping tabs (or score if you may) for so long has over taxed this feeble mind. I'm not too concerned though, but if you come across me with furrowed brow scowling in furious concentration, I'm probably trying to sift through the pieces of my scattered memory searching for increasingly elusive information from my past.

Like this evening as we were having dinner, the first thought that struck me as we sat down at the cafe was that I had been unhappy at that place, sometime in the past. I couldn't for the life of me recall when and certainly not what I was unhappy about, but I definitely remembered the feeling. I was pensive for a while, feeling sorry for the unhappy me whose sorrow I could not remember, but then three very ample, juicy prawns on a bed of char keuy teow arrived and well, that set my priorities straight :)

But this brings me to the point that there are some memories best left forgotten otherwise some streets, some hallways, some rooms will forever be tainted with them. And these places might have to be avoided in order to curtail the rush of feeling from the memory of a dramatic scene that took place there too long ago to matter anymore.

I'm afraid letting go of the habit of systematically committing life's little idiosyncrasies to memory will be a tough one to beat, I am very sentimental after all. But maybe my ailing memory will finally be of some use in this area. Life's too short to spend reliving every single miserable second isn't it? And the happy memories? Well there's always room to make new ones.

(I still maintain you forgot to get me a Christmas gift last year, though I can't be absolutely certain...:)

Kampar Noodles in Kampar

We made a slight detour on our way back home for the Merdeka weekend; stopped by for lunch at sleepy old Kampar. A quaint little town, half deserted (possibly because of the public holiday) and clean, very clean. There isn’t the slightest whiff of garbage even around the busier hawker stalls. Quite amazing this. The Kampar noodles were good and oddly the stall we were at was even famous for its laksa, which I might add is pretty tasty stuff.

***

Overheard:

“Oh she’s got a boyfriend now. You know-lah, she’s in IT, majority guys mah!”

They should probably consider putting that on University course application forms. “Women, say no to singlehood! Join the IT field; your man awaits with his trusty laptop!”

:p

I have been presumptuous. This is what it feels like to be a fool.

The One

(I should be fast asleep!)

Happiness really is experiential as evidenced by my current gaping void of a brain. No deep thoughts, no illuminating insights, no emotional depths to plunge today. Just a vacant blissfulness.

I've actually been lying on my bed for quite a while staring absently at my laptop listening to the hum of the air-conditioner in the background and barely audible traffic in the distance. This as opposed to the occasional curling up in a ball, staring at the ceiling flooded with agonizing thoughts fueled by an inferno of emotion. Polar opposites, split personality? Dr. Jekyll and Hyde syndrome? Your guess is as good as mine.

I think you prophesied it. In the few months leading up to it, you constantly explored the subject. You even went so far as to foretell exactly how it would happen. And you used phrases I was to mirror exactly later on.

Of course the less romantic explanation would be that I have attached significance to unrelated incidents and found patterns where there are none. That it was all randomness.

The practical explanation could also be that you had primed yourself into the state of mind (and action) that was necessary to realize your desires. That when opportunity presented itself, you were ready.

But I'll leave logic, randomness and practicality to rest for once and believe the magical. Now isn't that something?