I'm feeling more than a little 'off' today. I can't quite put my finger on any one reason, it seems to be a combination of things: the anticipation and anxiety about the new job, the uncertainties of the relationship, the feeling of being out of touch with the family and of course the ever present underlying existential angst.
It manifests itself in a pervasive mild panicky choking feeling and a general light headedness resulting in the inability to concentrate or focus on tasks at hand. It's can't be attributed to the convenient excuse of Monday blues. Instead it's the feeling that things are coming to a head, of hurtling towards some inevitable combustion point. And no, it's not that I worry too much, it is however more likely the result of the paralysis that grips when it comes to trying to communicate my fears and therefore resorting to bottling it all inside.
In an uncanny coincidence, a close friend confided in me last week that she was in the throes of some deep personal conflict. That isn't the uncanny part, the part that took me aback was when she described how she's used to keeping it all to herself and it festers for so long that when she's in one of her moody spells, sometimes she can no longer point out the cause for her dissatisfaction. The reasons get buried with time and the inability to express herself and only the 'down' feeling remains, that intuition that something is wrong but no way of connecting the dots. My jaw dropped to the floor, it was like hearing my twin speak.
Have you ever wondered how many of the things we do serve merely as tools of distraction from the clamouring voices, from the burning questions that go on in our heads? We try our damnest to suppress, shut out, smoother, that we might actually get so good at it that we succeed in forgetting. But the victory is a shallow one, for these things never go away; they might lay dormant but only as dormant as an unexploded bomb can be.
It manifests itself in a pervasive mild panicky choking feeling and a general light headedness resulting in the inability to concentrate or focus on tasks at hand. It's can't be attributed to the convenient excuse of Monday blues. Instead it's the feeling that things are coming to a head, of hurtling towards some inevitable combustion point. And no, it's not that I worry too much, it is however more likely the result of the paralysis that grips when it comes to trying to communicate my fears and therefore resorting to bottling it all inside.
In an uncanny coincidence, a close friend confided in me last week that she was in the throes of some deep personal conflict. That isn't the uncanny part, the part that took me aback was when she described how she's used to keeping it all to herself and it festers for so long that when she's in one of her moody spells, sometimes she can no longer point out the cause for her dissatisfaction. The reasons get buried with time and the inability to express herself and only the 'down' feeling remains, that intuition that something is wrong but no way of connecting the dots. My jaw dropped to the floor, it was like hearing my twin speak.
Have you ever wondered how many of the things we do serve merely as tools of distraction from the clamouring voices, from the burning questions that go on in our heads? We try our damnest to suppress, shut out, smoother, that we might actually get so good at it that we succeed in forgetting. But the victory is a shallow one, for these things never go away; they might lay dormant but only as dormant as an unexploded bomb can be.
2 comments:
actually i've felt that way too. many many times
even now, when i think i hv better relationships with my family members or my bf, sometimes, it jus hits me. And i wonder why it doesn't feel right.
hang in there dear.
Someone told me once... Happiness is a state of mind. you gotta work at it.
yeah, i feel like that allllllll the time... sometimes, i freaking KNOW what's bothering me, but i don't feel like i can tell anyone.. bah:P
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