I’ve never been more grateful for my friends: the friends who’ve stuck around for ages, who’ve known me since I was that high and haven’t gotten tired of me yet. The kind of friends who when you tell them your sad or unhappy immediately say “I’ll be there in 10 minutes” even though they have work to do (of course it helps when she’s just a 2 minutes drive away, heh.)
I feel so relieved to be able to share, to have an understanding, empathic ear to listen. To have someone nod in compassion and total comprehension, not just because they’re my friends and therefore under some code of conduct they must agree with me no matter what, but because they really do get me and have been there before. The load on my chest has been lifted somewhat, I finally feel I can breathe again.
I am silly. I don’t why I’ve always felt the need to hide things from people, why I’ve always felt the need to be so private. It’s taken me too long to realize that telling people I trust the turmoil I feel inside is a way to relieve the burden, to prevent myself from a self-induced meltdown. Why have I’ve always needed to protect myself from supposed embarrassment and from behaving contrary to the strong unflappable front I put up?
Whatever made me think they would not understand?
After I spilt my heart out, she grasps my shoulders and says as gently as she can with a suspicious twinkle in her eye “It’s nice to know you’re human too and more of a girl than you had ever believed possible”.
It is a shock to behave in a way I used to find contemptuous. I am so emotional attached now that I’m having a stupendously hard time dealing with it. I hardly know how to react since I’ve always conditioned myself to be the direct opposite.
“When I’m with him, control goes out the window. Don’t you laugh now”, she warns.
“I’m not laughing my dear. Don’t you see? I understand how you feel.”
Of course the problems don’t go away just by sharing things with others, but at least my head is clearer and I am encouraged that it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom all the time.
“Perhaps you struggle so much and are so anxious all the time about how the relationship is going because you really care and want to make it work. When things settle down and get sorted out, you won’t feel so needy anymore.”
She’s right.
But saying that I really care though, is an understatement.
I feel so relieved to be able to share, to have an understanding, empathic ear to listen. To have someone nod in compassion and total comprehension, not just because they’re my friends and therefore under some code of conduct they must agree with me no matter what, but because they really do get me and have been there before. The load on my chest has been lifted somewhat, I finally feel I can breathe again.
I am silly. I don’t why I’ve always felt the need to hide things from people, why I’ve always felt the need to be so private. It’s taken me too long to realize that telling people I trust the turmoil I feel inside is a way to relieve the burden, to prevent myself from a self-induced meltdown. Why have I’ve always needed to protect myself from supposed embarrassment and from behaving contrary to the strong unflappable front I put up?
Whatever made me think they would not understand?
After I spilt my heart out, she grasps my shoulders and says as gently as she can with a suspicious twinkle in her eye “It’s nice to know you’re human too and more of a girl than you had ever believed possible”.
It is a shock to behave in a way I used to find contemptuous. I am so emotional attached now that I’m having a stupendously hard time dealing with it. I hardly know how to react since I’ve always conditioned myself to be the direct opposite.
“When I’m with him, control goes out the window. Don’t you laugh now”, she warns.
“I’m not laughing my dear. Don’t you see? I understand how you feel.”
Of course the problems don’t go away just by sharing things with others, but at least my head is clearer and I am encouraged that it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom all the time.
“Perhaps you struggle so much and are so anxious all the time about how the relationship is going because you really care and want to make it work. When things settle down and get sorted out, you won’t feel so needy anymore.”
She’s right.
But saying that I really care though, is an understatement.
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