I am different. I can’t explain it. The other day it just hit me: for the first time I have my eyes wide open. For once the road ahead though vague, appears to be devoid of obstacles, be they the ones I set up for myself or the ones that have been put there by prior circumstance. I realize that in all previous times I was never happy. Instead, what there was, was a whole load of anxiety and a distinct sense of futile hope.
This time round I’m aware of the constant need and the application of conscious will to not play mind games. A need to be honest, to be unafraid to say what I mean and what I feel, nevermind the consequences. And all of this while feeling like I’m voluntarily plunging headlong into the unknown despite being completely aware of clear and present danger. That’s right, for once I’m acting like there’s nothing to lose.
I used to be soo careful with my pride, doling out affection only to the exact measure of the amount I received. To show too much was a carnal sin, a sign of weakness, an acknowledgement of someone else’s power over me. And in an atmosphere where control was paramount, I never invested more than what was clinically appropriate.
Looking back, I know why I am exactly where I am now. I did this. But can this change last? Can I swallow my pride and take the chance? Can I suppress the urge to run for my life? I know I said it was a joke, but yes, what else can I be, but afraid?
(And meanwhile at the back of my mind, the resounding voice of reason cautions, “It’s too fast, slow down”.)
This time round I’m aware of the constant need and the application of conscious will to not play mind games. A need to be honest, to be unafraid to say what I mean and what I feel, nevermind the consequences. And all of this while feeling like I’m voluntarily plunging headlong into the unknown despite being completely aware of clear and present danger. That’s right, for once I’m acting like there’s nothing to lose.
I used to be soo careful with my pride, doling out affection only to the exact measure of the amount I received. To show too much was a carnal sin, a sign of weakness, an acknowledgement of someone else’s power over me. And in an atmosphere where control was paramount, I never invested more than what was clinically appropriate.
Looking back, I know why I am exactly where I am now. I did this. But can this change last? Can I swallow my pride and take the chance? Can I suppress the urge to run for my life? I know I said it was a joke, but yes, what else can I be, but afraid?
(And meanwhile at the back of my mind, the resounding voice of reason cautions, “It’s too fast, slow down”.)
2 comments:
You may have felt you were in control, but interactions are exactly that -- a give and a take, an exchange. What you give with one hand in this post, you take back with the other. Those parentheses seem so harmless, but there is a whole world within them.
Which makes everything you say all the more interesting.
hugz
i'm in the same situation but my reasons r different.. anyway.. i realise it's much easier if i dun plan too far and jus go with the flow. all the best ;)
is it the person who drove u to genting?? tell me tell me!
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