To the future and all it holds

I like to think I can multi-task. Fact is I just spew this untruth at job interviews to seem more impressive that I really am. I can really only concentrate on one thing at a time; when I read I must have silence, and when I listen to music it is impossible to get any work done.

So like right now with all the commotion in Telawi street and Clint Mansell on repeat thru my earphones, I can’t hold a single thought in my head. I should just give up now.

Yeah, yeah, but I’m stubborn.

***

So much for being stubborn, it’s about 2 hours later and as I sit here typing on my ‘obelisk’, bran’s immersed in the Man U game (though not so much that he can’t join me in duet-whistling of Christmas carols ;).

For next year I have already settled on two resolutions:

1. Join a dance class. I’m thinking probably Latin, salsa perhaps? I’m pretty sure though that I’ll be paired off with some other lady who, like me, lacks a male dance partner. That’s all right though so long as she stays clear of my toes.

2. Visit at least one overseas destination. And by ‘overseas’ I mean a foreign country and not just a local destination that requires me to fly over a body of water! The only other rule is that it must also be a place I haven’t visited before. Since I’m not exactly rolling in riches (still haven’t struck the lottery jackpot, which admittedly is a little hard to do since I never buy lottery tickets) it’ll probably be to a Southeast Asian destination. Like I told bran, the idea is to go someplace where you don’t understand a single word the locals say, you don’t know what cooked creature (parts) you are about to consume and you frequently have no idea where you are or how to get where you’re going. Sounds exciting (and a little life threatening) eh?

Looking forward to it; the coming year, the future and all it holds.

It’ll be a good one. Trust me, I’m clairvoyant.

Listening

Come to me. Tell me your tale.

I will listen intently and never waver in my concentration.
I will be quiet as you find your story’s momentum.
I will nod encouragingly (but ever so slightly) when you show hesitation at the verge of revealing your deepest secrets.
I will tactfully mould and condense my questions so that you do not feel threatened.
I will ask them only in moments of lull so as not to distract from your rhythm.
I will coax you gently along the path of your memories.

And you, you will remember what you thought you had forgotten.
Your mind and heart will remember how it used to skip to a different beat
You will relive, reawaken, resurrect, for just that fleeting moment, your bittersweet thoughts, fears and desires of a life lived hard.

And in the end, you will feel your story safe with me.
You will feel nostalgic but relieved that a stranger (a friend) heard you and understood.
Heard you, and shared your pain and joy (and laughter and tears).
Heard you, and did not judge.

And I will be satiated.
I will marvel at how even the most unassuming people have their own tales to tell.
Tales I had, and hope to continue to have, the unexpected honour to be entrusted with.

So come to me and tell me your tale.

I am listening.

Right this moment

I'm sitting on the bed by the window hearing the rain patter down.

My nails are bold red sprinkled with gold dust. An impulse buy that's more Christmas-y than I actually feel.

There's the heavenly smell of slowly simmering prawn and tomato stock wafting through the house.

The bf is out having his hair barber-ed after which he will come home and try the new recipe we watched on TV last night.
.
.
.
I am so lucky.

I, Kate Hudson

When not in front of a mirror, this is roughly how I imagine I look like now :p.

So it ended up more like Kate Hudson rather than Kate Beckinsale, but life, it goes on. As long as little children do not run and hide behind their mothers skirts when they see me approaching, i'm happy enough :)

On to the next burning question: How do I get boobs like hers?

Hair-raising

Is it too much to ask that when my hairdresser perms my hair, that I miraculously transform to look like Kate Beckinsale too?

Sigh.

I've decided that I will go ahead. If this year turns out to be the year for a hair disaster, then so be it.
I will tempt fate.
I will be zen.
Ommmmmm......

(Wait a minute. Curls rinse out, right?!)

And around we go

Went to Mid Valley (MV) after work last night. Was happy when I finished and looked at my watch to realize it was only 7.30pm. So there I was happily thinking I’d be back home before 8. Heh, but I reckoned without the mysterious jam.

It took me all of 20 minutes to even exit the parking lot. And then the crawl just continued: inch by agonizing inch. I thought perhaps a traffic jam on the Federal Highway was back-logged all the way to MV. It finally took me and hour to clear a semi-circle around MV and then the Federal Highway was……not jammed! So the traffic jam was only around MV, like an insanely slow merry-go-round with toy cars that don’t go more than 1 kmph with frequent stops to enjoy the view of concrete and fellow toy cars.

I’ve been to MV on weekday nights and it’s never like this, so perhaps it’s the combination of several factors: the Year End Sales (Y.E.S.!), the school holidays, the people clearing their annual leave before the end of the year and even more people out for Christmas shopping.

In any case, avoid MV at all costs unless your life somehow depended on visiting a shopping mall.

“A person's mood is an observable affective state, which can consist of a combination of emotions. In normal functioning, moods are influenced by external events, which is adaptive.” – Courtesy of Wikipedia

I was in a bad mood yesterday. But instead of doing the usual thing of brooding, indulging and giving in to it, I chose instead to warn bran, who expectedly was somewhat perturbed and concerned. He did the right thing though: asked, listened, talked, even if he was a little impatient to watch Amazing Race (The Barbies are out! And Bama are in the final three! Who’d have thunk?) :p

Anyway I thought up a little theory last night. Contrary to what Wikipedia says, perhaps my moods aren’t so much influenced by external factors and events, but rather a result of some chemical imbalance in the body. A shift in hormone levels perhaps? Basically a physical cause that triggers emotional symptoms.

This I figure because I realize that I am almost always acutely aware of the exact moment when the shift or change happens. As I told bran, it’s almost a physical sensation, like pain (though it’s not painful). And the other reason is because even in that state, I can think rationally and no matter how much I search, I can’t find a solid reason for feeling that way. But I know for certain that once I get started, even little things that would normally pass below my radar serve to compound that bad feeling.

This is as far as I’ve gotten actually. The next step would be to try and figure out how to deal with it:

1. Admitting it. Let it be known rather than found out since that implies that I have let the mood lead to consequences.
2. Talking it through (though I usually feel far from chatty)
3. Eating! Seriously. Even if I’m hungry I still have no interest in it but when I do it seems to ease the edge a little.

(There is still much to learn, new discoveries to make. And then things change again, so we’ll just see how things go and ride the waves as they come.)

The end is near.

December is going to be an interesting month. I can feel it in my bones (All of which by the way are encased in way too much fat and flesh, more than I’m used to. But I digress)

November somehow wasn't what I'd expected it to be, not that it was bad just that it was somehow unremarkable even though technically it should have been what with the celebratory events. But December, now December, here’s a month to watch out for.

So stuff to look forward to in December:

1. Company annual dinner on the 15^th,
2. Christmas on the 25^th and
3. New Year’s Eve on the 31^st.

Looking forward to the annual company do this year because well it’s my first with this company and technically the first time I’ll be attending a function of this scale since ex-company was a small one so there was never anything more than a simple dinner here and there. I would have liked the function to be a grander, dress-to-kill kind of occasion, but it seems that the organizers have opted for a kitschy 70’s themed party. I certainly won’t be following the theme but the rest of them who will be doing the same are opting for a more casual t-shirt and jeans getup. And here I am itching to wear a dress and glam it up a bit. Another thing is I wished I could bring my significant other half along but the invite for outsiders is extended to spouses only and besides he has his own department function to attend, so boo-hoo, sorry little me will have to go alone. Sigh, L.

Christmas. Well, as years pass by, I’m getting more and more blasé about the celebrations. Seems a bit of a chore having to crack your head for Christmas gift ideas, then decorating the house, and all the cooking and preparation to be done just fills me with a feeling not far from dread. I used to bother if I had something nice to wear for Christmas. These days I’d just wear any old thing as long as no one has seen it before. And presents aren’t much to look forward to anyway, guess our tastes get more sophisticated as we get older and so I don’t expect anything and gift giving just becomes a formality.

Now New Year’s Eve is a different story all together. I’ve never been one to celebrate it, and remember many a New Year’s Eve spent at home in front of the telly with a party pack in hand watching the countdown (It really isn’t as miserable as it sounds!). And the years when I did want to go out and celebrate, no one was ever free or willing or even in the mood to accompany me for a night of revelry out and about in town. But last year I had fun at the laid-back and almost intimate barbeque at home even though yet again I was foiled in catching a glimpse of the fireworks. This year I guess there’s no need to fix what ain’t broke. And so barbeque and the best lamb chop I’ve ever tasted it is.

Also by virtue of it being December, the mind is racing, mulling over things as the year hurtles inevitably towards its end. Ah, but then that’s fodder for another post.

Can’t seem to get connected to the Net, the router seems to be giving intermittent problems: up on minute then down the next. Well nothing I can do until the (darling) expert wakes up and fixes it.

So in the meantime…

…I enjoyed my birthday. Made the effort to dress up though I had initially not planned to, because I felt a little down the day before and deduced (correctly it seems) that dressing up would make me feel better (you know all that jazz about if you look good you feel good?). Funny thing is the other patrons were dressed so casually in shorts and t-shirts, but it really didn’t matter because I was perfectly content.

I enjoyed how easy and comfortable it was. Eating ribs is not very fancy, elegant fare, in fact it’s downright messy but oh what happy food it turned out to be, I know I certainly had an appetite J. In fact I had quite an appetite for all the other dinners as well, I seem to vaguely remember one of the girls commenting on it, heh. But oy! that’s not good news for my thighs though.

I had two lovely birthday cakes, and if it’s not too late to make a wish, I hope I’ll be as happy at the next birthday as I was in this one. And that means having the company of good friends and a certain someone’s face basked in the glow of a birthday candle smiling back at me.

Clumsy is as clumsy does

I've always been clumsy. I remember my teachers and parents calling me 'Butterfingers' ever so often while growing up. These days he has to steer me through obstacle courses (Read: public areas) because on my own I'd probably walk straight into passing cars and have on occasion walked smack into innocent bystanders.

So as if to prove a point today, I have spilled coffee on my shoes, 'mee soto' on my blouse and skirt and (this is mortifying) accidentally spit coffee on my keypad. And all this in the short span of time I've been in the cafeteria. I certainly hope I've finished my quota for clumsiness today, because there's still half a day of work to go!

Mini Movie Review

I now officially love Parker Posey. Has anyone noticed her recent steady revival in moviedom? About time I say. Always liked her for the quirky characters she played in movies, and now she has a leading role worthy of her talents in “The Oh in Ohio”. It was delightfully touching to watch her character grow and find herself. I identified.

Watch it if:

1. You’re a woman

2. You think Parker Posey and Danny DeVito getting it on are a hilarious combination :p

3. You wouldn’t miss Liza Minelli playing an enthusiastic sex guru for the world.

***

“Little Miss Sunshine” is a neat little dysfunctional family road-trip movie. Now, now, before you balk thinking there could be nothing worse that the combination of ‘family’ and ‘road-trip’, this really is one movie that kicks ass. It’ll make you cry and laugh at the same time and yeah, warm fuzzy feelings are inevitable too. All the characters are ‘Super freaks”, watch it and you’ll understand why, but careful you don’t sprain a muscle laughing!

PS: This is not much of a review, but that’s what IMDB is for. Go on now!

Propositioned

This almost slipped my mind.

While in a meeting yesterday with a software distributor ours, I was propositioned.

No, not in that way.

My colleague had walked out for a few minutes leaving me alone with our guests. The General Manager whom I was just meeting for the first time asked me a few questions about my job and experience and then proceeded to ask me if I knew of anyone looking for jobs since they’re hiring for all levels and across the board. He then proceeded to say “Well, however if you were to call me up and ask for a position, I wouldn’t say no”. I must have looked a bit startled because he hastily added that he’d experienced other associated companies pinching employees behind his back, so he might as well be upfront about it. So with sheepish laughter all round and a few non-committal comments, I managed to avoid answering.

I’m still surprised, but it’s easily brushed aside, not because I think he wasn’t serious but because I’m not interested at the moment. But it’s nice anyway to be propositioned. Now where was he when I was desperately looking for a job?

So I’ve resurrected the old playlist again: Dishwalla, Frou Frou, Zero 7, and even after so long it’s still refreshingly pleasant. Reminds me of when I first began listening to them repetitively about a year ago. I’m remembering places, events and times that seem to have been set to this background music, it makes me smile.

**

I had dinner with the ex-colleagues the other day. It was the traditional yearly birthday treat. And what struck me was how down and listless everyone seemed and how upbeat and cheerful I was compared to them. Didn’t it use to be the other way around? Am I happy but somehow managed to miss the news bulletin on my unusual condition?

**

I think two of my good friends have forgotten my birthday, a case of out of sight, out of mind? Any which way it is, they’re both so screwed, and when they realize they’re going to feel so guilty! :p

**

Note to self: Must stop squirming and wiggling butt in seat when delighted about something, most undignified for a 27 year-old turning 28. Erm…most undignified, period.

**

<< wiggles ferociously in seat ;)))>>

Tropical Storm

So near yet so far.

Was rained in at Amcorp Mall for more than an hour, unable to leave as the storm lashed down and cut off all possibility of getting to the open air carpark.

When it became clear that the storm wasn't letting up, I finally parked at Starbucks with plenty of reason to mope as there was nothing to read, no one to talk to and no laptop to surf from.

Interestingly enough, the last shop I walked into before leaving the mall was playing "Let it Rain" by Hootie and the Blowfish. Then as I drove off in the somewhat abated rain, the radio station was playing "Here Comes the Rain Again"by Eurythmics.

Now how's that for coincidence?

A time when Keri Noble 'Talked to me' :)

I heard Keri Noble's "Talk To Me" on the radio while driving today and it brought a smile to my face as I remembered.

Mr. Brown-Eyed Himself

....and the aftermath

It reminded me of him but more than that, of a long time ago when small insignificant things like that made life a bit more fun :). I imagined playing the piano and singing it for him now, just for the heck of seeing the look on his face. Heh, that won't happen-lah, can't play the piano at all!

I found out his name then, but I can't for the life of me recall now. Roger? Richard? Rick?!?

Hehe :p

One year on

Happy Anniversary hun.

It's been quite a ride hasn't it?

I wondered for a while what we had to celebrate. And though it's not very romantic but perhaps it's as simple as the fact you're still here and I'm still here, and that's reason enough.

***

The four poems I carefully selected and have read over and over again and they still sound like music to me. I hope you'll love them as much as I do.

***

This has been said to death and yet can't be said enough: I love you hun.

If You Forget Me - Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists:
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loveing me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Love at first sight - Wislawa Szymborska

They're both convinced
that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is more beautiful,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they'd never met before, they're sure
that there'd been nothing between them.
But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways--
perhaps they've passed by each other a million times?

I want to ask them
if they don't remember--
a moment face to face
in some revolving door?
perhaps a "sorry" muttered in a crowd?
a curt "wrong number"caught in the receiver?--
but I know the answer.
No, they don't remember.

They'd be amazed to hear
that Chance has been toying with them
now for years.

Not quite ready yet
to become their Destiny,
it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stifling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,
even if they couldn't read them yet.
Perhaps three years ago
or just last Tuesday
a certain leaf fluttered
from one shoulder to another?
Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood's thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night. perhaps, the same dream,
grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through.

I seem to have loved you – Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times,
In life after life, in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made and re-made the necklace of songs
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms
In life after life, in age after age forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together,
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount
At the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
The love of all man's days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours-
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

I carry your heart with me – e.e.cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

It pays the bills

Am I becoming a workaholic?

.

.

.

.

Nah, that is so not me.

But I do get concerned (read: worried) and shoulder more than my fair share of responsibility when it comes to work. When I’m rushing deadlines for tenders there is absolutely no way I would slack off, I’d come in early (though I rarely stay late) and thoroughly stress myself out with work. So much so that I have trouble sleeping at night sometimes, tossing and turning and waking up at ungodly hours over and over again, running quotation figures in my head and having nightmares of missing that important deadline (which I never do anyway). I am even sometimes aware of struggling in that half-awake, half-asleep state.

But while I am not a workaholic (I greatly resent free time eaten into and wasted by having to come back to work), I do have difficulty cutting loose when urgent personal matters arise and I have to skip work to attend to them. I hyperventilate a little when worrying how they will cope without me, then reluctantly let it slide.

While I was complaining yet again about the volume of work I have, someone just asked me if I enjoyed my work. I said I don’t have time to sit down and think whether I do or not. But this I know, I won’t do it forever. This can’t be my calling, if there is such a thing. There is not much joy in it. It is just work, work, work; neither bad nor good, which for the moment, suffices.

It's that time of the year again

No, no, not Christmas (though I heard that Metrojaya has started selling Xmas decorations already :!), November. No wait, that didn't quite come out right, one more time: it's N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R!!!

I was counting the number of people (seperate groups and individuals) who would be taking me out for treats this month and have so far come up with 4 almost surethings. I'm deciding to ask those with good taste to get me presents instead and those with not so good taste to take me for crabs for which my craving has yet to be satisfied.

I'm surprised that I'm actually looking forward to it this year considering howI usually feel; old and alone. November is when everything comes into sharp relief but I haven't been able to give it much thought what with work and so many other interferences. I'll get round to it for sure, I always do.

For now I'll just imagine all the crustaceans I can eat and presents to die for.

Ahhh.....:)

Points of Note

• It’s been what, a week? A week plus? And I’m only just getting round to surfing the Net from home ever since it was set up.

• I wonder sometimes that I’m not quite there, here nor anywhere. Not quite right. Not quite settled. Displaced, disconnected, disjointed. It’s as if a manic child put a little Frankenstein together minus the green skin, stitches and bolts (though leaving it in would have been way cool)

• I wonder sometimes, what are the things I’m sure of. Life? Work? Relationships?

A: None of the above. So many years and it still hasn’t changed, not one tiny bit.

• You can only seem cool, funny, wise and entertaining to people who don’t know you. And that includes your friends. That is such an awful waste.

• Being thought of as cool, funny, wise and entertaining is such an ego boost. But when you lose that ‘regard’ a certain sense of self worth and esteem is lost. You can struggle to get it back, but you can never dazzle the way you once did. What follows is a phase of uncertainty and sadness.

• You are only as much as what others think you are. (The ‘others’ of whose opinion you care about of course).

• I could be anything. So why am I what I am? Why not reinvent when tired of your own skin? When tired of your own antics?

• I miss being on an even keel. Back then everything was sure. I was sure. The calm endured and rationality ruled. How much smug pride I took in it. How silly I seem now.

• What is it like to know that you have been a waste of time and effort? That you cannot provide returns equal or exceeding what you have received?

• I can never think when I’m around him. I’m just blank. It’s neither a good thing, nor a bad thing, it just is. And he wonders why I write instead of talk. It’s because I think when I’m away, and when that happens, there’s no one to talk to is there? And so I write. He doesn’t approve. But I am adamant. It is either this or nothing (at least until I can actually summon a thought in his presence). So a compromise is in order. It is clear his ‘beef’ with me writing is that he gets to know about things last after my ‘numerous’ blog visitors have been self-informed. Like ‘duh?’ No one reads this, I have the stats to prove it. (I don’t show it to him because I’m terribly embarrassed that no one knows I’m alive!) So I shall send every personal entry to him first so he is aware before I post. I hope it is appropriate and fair enough.

• (Oh man, I must really work on my writing.)

Self-help is no help

I just realised that it's damned difficult to buy a self-help book for someone if you don't believe in self-help books.

I spent most of my lunch time intently frowning at the self-improvement book shelves, picking up random books, flipping thru them carelessly, making rude faces when I spotted 'inspirational quotes' and then shoving it back; all the while sighing audibly and scaring the people in the adjacent Pyschology section (which so happens to be one very interesting section!).

Hmph. Time for another brilliant gift idea.

Kota Kinabalu

This is long overdue.

I just realized that this has been the first real holiday (company trips don’t count) of this year so it certainly deserves more than a mention. But rather than giving a blow-by-blow which will tire everyone out (especially this writer), I thought I’d pick out the things that struck me most.

I’ll admit that I didn’t know that KK was on the seaside, I somehow imagined it to be somewhere in the interior of Sabah. Yeah, my geography sucks dog’s balls.

Nexus Karambunai was a revelation, breathtakingly beautiful even when experienced on a very wet day. It was isolated, with a long coastline and a generous strip of white sand ending in clear blue waters. One of the best beaches I’ve ever been to. I’m glad you were there too to experience it, especially since you haven’t been to a beach in years!

The seafood dinner was good, am still wondering what that delicious mollusk with the uni-claw is called. Even the traditional dance performances, which I know bored the hell out of you and your family, were interesting. And when that white lady gave a war cry in response to the dancers, that just killed me. You do realize that your parents decided to go there for my benefit even though it was to celebrate your birthday?

On KK roads and traffic:

- there are a lot of 4-wheel drives on the road,

- there are a lot of U-turns and

- quite a number of “KK-ian’s” use their hazard lights when making a U-turn!

- On the way to Kundasang there was wildlife on the road and a strange number of cats that seem to have died of dehydration :!. This I assume because they were not splattered on the road like the usual road kill.

The trip to Kinabalu Park also afforded us some of the best views. The rain (yes, more of it) only enhanced the spectacle with heavy mists covering the hills and shrouding the valleys.

Sunset at Pantai Dalit was almost as gorgeous as Karambunai. A pity our foray into the water had to be cut short. A word of advice, recently shaven legs + salt water = stings like hell!! I hope some of my enthusiasm about beaches and the sea has rubbed off on you hun. But even if you’re still impartial towards them at least you know how I feel.

But mostly hun, it was how your family was so accommodating of insignificant little me. I felt that they made so much effort to go out of their way. I was both touched and a little shy at the fuss. You know how I prefer to fade into the background and blend in with the furniture, right? They made me feel welcome, and for that I am grateful.

So will it be Sepilok, the islands around KK, Sipadan and a traditional Kadazan wedding mid-next year hun? ;)

Thank you for the wonderful trip hun, if you didn’t already know, I had a great time.

Goings on

I should be doing one or more things, none of which I’m obviously doing at the moment. I’m not where I’m supposed to be, I’m not where I’m being paid to be. Sigh.

Oh well.

At the back of my mind I have this sneaky suspicion that introspection is bad. It’s so self-indulgent and so self-centered. It’s about being this person that whines on and on about this and that, going round in circles till she trips herself up only to get up and continue circling.

I can’t help but wonder sometimes that I would probably be better off just getting on with the world, picking up the pace, participate more, morph into a go-getter of some sort. And then I think, how decidedly mundane that is. Me, who more often than not, snorts in derision when encountering someone of that ilk. Of course one could argue that the contempt stems from jealousy, and I’ll admit maybe a little bit, but it’s also because I find their success and enthusiasm in all things material, shallow. Perhaps it’s just me but I imagine them lacking in depth. It’s not a big surprise then that I prefer the lot that bemoans the state of themselves and the world, finding their company infinitely more interesting and not to mention comforting and self-affirming as well.

Anyway.

Here I am waiting for the phone technician to arrive. He’s 20 minutes late and his tardiness annoys me. So what this means is that I’m finally going to get broadband fixed up in my place after having had it with being unable to blog in office or at home whenever inspiration strikes. I still write even without internet access but the time delay usually means that by the time I post it, if at all, the relevance has passed. Then again aside from blogging there’s a lot more I should be doing with and on the Net. The good thing is there isn’t any worry of getting addicted because if I had been so inclined it would have happened a long time ago. I just want to teach myself to make more use of it. Hm, think I’ll start by surfing porn sites. Oh yeah baby ;)

Win, win

If you stay, you’re a martyr.
If you leave, you’re justified.

I know this all too well.

Every so often it occurs to me,
You would be this good to anyone.

You would be this loving,
this kind,
this considerate,
to someone,
anyone else,
in my place.
It is just the way you are,
As I am sure you were before.

I think I could not hold on to you,
(Why should I need to?)
I think I do not deserve,
Someone this loving,
This kind,
This considerate
When I myself am not.

And you know this all too well

You were right.
There is nothing you could do better,
There is no need to question,
There is no area for improvement.

The insecurity is mine
The inadequacy,
Mine alone.

I keep asking why,
Because I see what you are,
I can see how I am,
And I despair at the disparity.

I talk about change,
But the setbacks,
(One step forward, two steps back)
bring me smack down to earth.

It is not bitterness, it is resignation.

Even as I write this I imagine you thinking “Oh no, not again! Not another round of reassurance. When will she stop? When will what I say be enough?”

There is no need for reassurance, not this time.

I wrote this a week ago, a week on and I’m surprised that it’s still relevant. In fact I could have written it months ago and not have had to change a single word.

I can’t find my voice; it’s choked at the lump in my throat. All the pent up frustration just turns into aggression simmering just below the surface. And I, I try to quell, to suppress, to smother, me.

I can’t stand me, I’m not fair to you, I’m sorry and I love you.

Who's watching you?

I feel exposed.

I’ve never liked people looking over my shoulder even while doing something as harmless like reading the newspaper. I especially dislike people (complete strangers, colleagues, friends and family, basically anyone) curiously looking at my laptop screen when they should be minding their own business. And I mean this in the nicest way possible, because some people don’t mean to be nosy.

So this morning while waiting for the lift on my way to the office, I bumped into the lady who sits at the desk behind me. We exchange smiles and greetings and then after some shuffling of feet and staring at the floor, she said:

“So, busy with work?”

I mumbled something about usually being busy but unusually free this week and then we parted ways.

Now, I’ve never spoken to this woman before. She most probably doesn’t know my name, what I do or even which division I work for, but instead of asking these standard ‘first conversation’ questions, she assumes I’m busy and asks for confirmation. Either that or she was being a sarcastic smart ass. Whatever it is, I am a little disturbed that she has been observing and that I have no idea what conclusions she has formed.

So I walked behind her desk today and realized that she has full view of my laptop screen. Damn, the stupid open office plan! I can’t wait till we move, though I doubt it’ll be any better. Hmph, double damn!

(Yes, I know what you’re thinking, wa-ay too paranoid)

The Little Boy in the Desert

I had a dream about a little boy in a desert. His mother left him (with suitcase in hand) up in the sand dunes. And as he stood rooted, (with lollipop melting in his hand) his shadow grew long. They had no faces, his mother and he. And though she left him, she went nowhere, for it was a painting I saw.

Things that make you go "Hmm"

It’s mid-afternoon, approximately another hour plus to go.

I should be busy, but I’m not. Not because I’m slacking off but because I’ve done all I can and now have to wait for others so I can continue. I would offer to help them but in this case, staying out of the way would be best. It seems that no matter how much you plan ahead and set deadlines, everything only comes together at the last minute. This is especially true when you need to depend on input from others. Just one tiny delay and the postponement snowballs and escalates up. Sigh. And so I wait.

I just hope it won’t be too much of a rush tomorrow with me having to leave early to catch the flight and all. Oh hell, who am I kidding?

********************

It’s September. Very soon it’ll be the last quarter of the year. (Yes, I AM stating the obvious). I was trying to recall the events of the past 9 months searching for memorable incidents and came up blank. It has something to do with my terrible sieve-like memory and a theory I came up with that perhaps so much has happened in the eventful 9 months that it’s difficult to single out any one memory. It’s neither good nor bad I guess, this inability to dredge up life’s peaks and valleys, it just is.

And so I start to think of the remaining few months and wonder what I’d like to achieve before the year ends. It’s not that the year-end is a do-or-die deadline but it is useful as a checkpoint to stop and take stock. Unfortunately I’ve also come up blank in this respect. Oh dear.

But it also seems that something like this (the lack of plans), which would ordinarily distress me, only raises the mildest ripple of concern now. It’s all very matter-of-fact, just a little something that makes me stroke my imaginary beard and go ‘Hmm’.

Chronicles of a (failed) birthday planner

4^th September 2006

10.30pm Monday

1 week remaining

Darling,

It’s less than a week till your birthday and I still haven’t got everything firmed down. Funny how I’ve been planning and conspiring for more than a month and still have yet to make up my mind. I just want things to be perfect hun. I want you to be surprised, delighted, touched and above all, have the best time of your life.

Today was a stressful day rushing to beat a deadline. And yet work was the least of my worries, I only stressed out when the credit card guy told me to expect my new credit card to arrive next week. Next week??!! How am I supposed to pay for your birthday hun? With a truckload of cash? It seems my plans are in danger of going up in flames.

And I know you hun, you don’t want too much fuss, just like me. But I do want to make a big fuss over you hun, if only to show I care enough to give it thought and make a great big effort.

Hmph. We’re always going to have problems making plans for and giving each other things. The other party is always too accommodating and wary not to cause the other person too much trouble. Neither of us is much of a taker, which makes giving that much harder.

Well I have a few days left with which to decide once and for all how we will celebrate the day. And hopefully, you will not have to reassure me when the time comes that you like what I’ve done while I anxiously wring my hands trying to gauge your ‘actual’ enjoyment level.

Oh hun, I’m way too neurotic for you!

Goodnight my love,

11.00pm

********************************************

5^th September 2006

6.45 pm Tuesday

6 days remaining

Hi hun,

I’m at the ‘mamak’ place round the corner from my house, ordered the same meal as usual.

I finally received my credit cards today. The office admin girl was a little taken aback by my enthusiasm at receiving the package, heh. Did you notice the plural? Yup, the dodgy credit card sales guy sold me two credit cards instead of one, further reinforcing my dislike for sales people in general.

I went to Bangsar at lunchtime today hun, specifically to order your birthday cake. I think I hemmed and hawed way too long for the helpful and very patient girl at the counter. I hope I made the right choice in the end, either way it will be too big for both of us to finish. Guess the housemates will benefit then.

Later that night I came over to do some research on dinner venues (I really must get broadband fixed up at home). I kinda had my heart set on Jogoya. It’s a Japanese buffet at Starhill Gallery, my colleague recommended it when we were out for crabs. Apparently though expensive, it’s supposed to be really good and with huge variety. Thing is there were some not so good reviews and I was having doubts as to the suitability of a buffet for birthday dinner. All the walking about getting food wouldn’t be conducive to conversation nor contribute to a relaxing meal. But I was still keen on Japanese and so tried to find other avenues. I narrowed it down to Genji in PJ Hilton, Kampachi in Equatorial KL, Zipangu in Shangri-La. I was already a little deflated by this time, because none of them seemed suitable. In fact I was to find out the very next day after calling all of them up that Sunday dinner was not a good option.

Back to square one.

***************************************

7^th September 2006

10.17am Thursday

(Pseudo-Wednesday)

4 days remaining

Hun,

I missed writing yesterday. Blame it on the sis and bro who wanted a chat after I got back. Could hardly chase them out of my room since I’m hardly around anyway. (ok, ok, that and my laziness combined J.

Yesterday was pretty eventful. Asked Chew Ling, Camillia and May Ching’s gay friend (he’s very in the know hun) for dinner venue suggestions. I was pretty panicky by then. He suggested this Austrian restaurant, supposedly quaint and cosy with good food to boot. I was thoroughly overjoyed, up until the point I was informed by their website that they close on Sundays.

So anyway after vetting thru all their other suggestions and finding none meeting my ‘exacting’ standards, I made up my mind to take you to Opus. Remember Opus hun? It’s a pretty cosy place, Italian, which you like, and we we’re supposed to go there for our first date. We never made it, but then again that’s another ‘adventurous’ story.

On my way to your place for dinner that night I decided to just make a quick detour to check out Opus. To my surprise I discovered that there are a few new restaurants open in the same row. One in particular looked very inviting. On hindsight it must have been because of the wine bottles lining the walls and the cellar like ambience.

I think I might have just hit pay dirt J.

Gotta go for a meeting hun, muah.

10.30am

*****************************************

9^th September 2006

10.42am Saturday

2 days remaining

Only 2 days to go. Ok, so I haven’t written for the past 2 days too. I have excuses!

Let me continue with the 7^th first.

(Pseudo-Thursday)

Got on the Net in the morning to search for the little place I discovered the night before and whaddya know, it serves Spanish cuisine. In fact it’s name, Cava means ‘cellar’ in Catalan. That did it, I finally made the decision. Consulted Chew Ling just to be sure and upon receiving her thumbs up, reserved a table for Sunday night. Looks like we’re good to go hun. I am pleased.

(Pseudo-Friday)

Went to that Austrian restaurant I was hoping to take you to, this time to celebrate May Ching’s birthday. It was as quaint and cosy as he said, but a little too noisy with all the chatter going on (us girls certainly contributed more than our fair share :P).

Before we dozed off for the night, we discussed our plans for the next day.looks like your heart is set on the jersey. I do hope the shops stock it hun,otherwise you will be quite disappointed.

Back to Saturday morning

9^th September 2006

How sweet to wake up next to you. To caress your sleeping face and feel such tenderness and then to chuckle to myself as you open your startled eyes at my touch and make grumpy noises of protest as you bury yourself deeper into the pillows.

We went shopping today. Achieved quite a bit: got your watch fixed, bought some gifts for your family (I’m not nervous, yet), and bought your birthday present! Is it really the best birthday present you ever received hun? Oh no, then I have my work cut out for me for your coming birthdays. But I am happy that you like it even though it couldn’t be a surprise.

You’re welcome hun.

********************************************

10^th September 2006

3.15pm Sunday

9 hours remaining

It isn’t a big deal for you I know hun. Makes me feel a little silly then making such a big deal out of it. Should you even read this? Would you feel embarrassed that your girlfriend has a juvenile fascination for birthdays when she should have out-grown it oh, I don’t know, maybe when she was 10? I feel as if I shouldn’t place any emphasis whatsoever, I should just be cool and blasé. I should ape you. But I am not you am I hun? So why even try pretend? I wonder if you will think all this is more for me to please myself than for you? Is this all proof that I don’t know you at all?

I am letting insecurity in as usual. It’s the rotten old side getting the better of me again. After all I know exactly how you will respond: with much love, comfort and understanding.

All will be well, I love you hun.

(It’s time to stop typing and wake you up from your nap)

It is: 3.30 pm

********************************************

11th September 2006

12.47pm Monday

One more thing hun, I almost forgot, Happy Birthday! :)

Just fine

Everyone seems to be in a relaxed holiday mood (or maybe that’s just me?). It must be because for most of us, it’s a 3-day week, and it’s already halfway through. Hurray! :)

I should be complaining of course: unexpected last minute work cropped up today with a ridiculously short deadline of early next week. Just another normal day I guess, and yet the mind boggles as to why the boss has approved my leave despite. However I am optimistic and remain calm even though usually, something like this would make me burst a blood vessel. It must be due in part to the much overdue management-enforced directive to take some of the load of my shoulders and put it back where it should belong. And the other part is perhaps me heeding the oft repeated gentle advice of much wiser people to ‘just do it’ instead of worrying and stressing myself out.

I am looking forward to this weekend, without the expectation of having a good one but being optimistic that it will be anyway. (Go figure! :)

Sunday, so far

It’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I am HOT, both inside and out. I think I’m running a fever. The sore throat hasn’t progressed into a cold but it has morphed into a cough. How sucky is it to get sick during the weekend instead of weekdays when you can take medical leave from work?

(It’s so very quiet and everything seems blurry, or is that just my eyes?)

And I’m tired. Slept for 4 hours, woke up at 5.30am, helped out at a work related function for 3 hours, drove back home, slept fitfully for 2 hours, then drove back again to waste another 4 hours until it ended. What a miserable way to spend a Sunday.

I hope whatever remains of the day will be much more pleasant. Fingers crossed.

The difference

Being capable of foresight now, I realize that in hindsight, I was never really lonely; at least not in the way I define loneliness. I equate loneliness with enduring sadness and despair and a deep aching for a meaningful connection with another.

To me, there’s a difference between being lonely and being alone which is what I was. It’s a state of existence that does not necessarily involve emotion. Being alone for me was never coming first to anyone, be it family or friends. I imagine this sounds harsh and ungrateful, but I’m not complaining, just stating facts. It was not that I wasn’t loved, but I knew that if push ever came to shove and a choice had to be made, there wouldn’t have been anyone remaining beside me.

There really was nothing to be resentful, angry or even sad about the seeming unfairness of it all. It was just the way things were and it went on long enough for it to become second nature, implicit even. And to an extent it even had it’s uses as a shield that prevented hurt from intruding. I was securely closed off, believing I didn’t need anyone to get by. I suppose I thought it was admirable since it took strength to be alone without realizing that it takes even greater strength and courage to take a gamble at trusting someone else. The other thing I’ve come to realize now is that loneliness is not a choice, but you can always choose to remain alone regardless of whether you are or not.

There were the occasions when the solitariness would overwhelm me, but looking back it was probably more self-pity than the very real pain of loneliness. So drifting along like that, it became an acceptable way to live and a not too terrible one either.

Now that I’m technically not alone anymore, the irony is that loneliness has become an absolute surety in some possible endings of a future that fortunately can’t be predicted. As scary as it sounds, it is the result of a gamble built on trust and there are no regrets to be had even when in pessimism the consequences are dire.

Dreams (Unfinished)

This morning I woke up from a sleep heavy with dreams. They (the dreams) have been increasing in volume and complexity over the past few days. Maybe there’s something about having deep long sleep minus the minor interruptions in the shape of mysterious jolts and random noises that is conducive to dreaming. These dreams are so immersing that waking up is a disorientating affair. The reality of time and place seem like rude intrusions to a fully fleshed out alternative universe.

Anyway, the dreams have been neither happy or sad nor anything else, quite devoid of emotion really. The feeling is that of floating along passively watching a story play out with some ‘surprising bits’ here and there. However it’s the surprising bits that stay. If you, like me, believe that our dreams are a manifestation (though often times warped) of our conscious and sub-conscious waking lives, then these bits have a way of alarming the dreamer. You start to wonder how your mind could have conjured up something so far out and if you are indeed so depraved and unbalanced.

I think I wanted to go somewhere with this, but seem to have lost my bearings.

That’s it.

Proof.

Senility has set in.

Lights, Camera, Action!

Cinema going has always been challenging. It typically starts with ‘touring’ the shopping mall parking lot at least a million times before you can lock on to & trail some poor hapless shopper that has inconveniently forgotten where he’s parked. Once in the mall, be prepared to jostle with the surging weekend crowd as you try and cut a path to the cinema floor only to resign yourself to lining up for ages in a snaking line only to get front row seats (that's if you're lucky to even get tickets!).

Well of course you can reserve tickets right? Wrong. By some secret conspiracy, weekend shows are always fully booked. I imagine an entire battalion of people hunched in front of their PC’s waiting for the very moment the show opens for booking on the cinema website.

Which bring me to the fact that last week we watched 3 movies in Cathay Cineleisure at The Curve: Pirates of The Caribbean Dead Man’s Chest, Superman Returns & Slither, the first one free and the last two, back-to-back. It just occurred to me that we’ve never done this standard couple extra-curricular activity ever before. And while we’ve occasionally exclaimed that we ought to ‘one of these days’ we never got round to it. Guess this time we might have been mysteriously bitten by the mainstream cinema bug.

Back to the movies, fortunately all were pretty decent. Slither was tongue-in-cheek funny in a totally gross-out way as only movies about alien slugs with nefarious plans to take over the world can be. Definitely recommended, however it's still advisable to watch on an empty stomach ;)

Superman Returns was a nicely rounded story. I didn’t expect much but it turned out well anyway. Must say that the Superman theme did stir memories, though not as strong as that of the Star Wars theme (Big fan, big fan. I remember getting all sparkly-eyed and almost bouncing in my seat with excitement during the opening theme of the Star Wars prequels even though they eventually turned out to be huge letdowns)

The best part of this rare cinema-going experience? The look of rapt attention, complete with ‘goggly’ eyes and gaping mouth of my movie mate who for all intents and purposes might as well not have stepped into the cinema since they stopped making silent movies!

So next in line to watch will be the new M. Night Shyamalan movie, Lady in the Water. The movie snippets seem quite promising. Now whether we watch it in the cinema or via other ‘alternative’ means remains to be seen.

Banter

Noun: banter bantur

1. Light teasing repartee

Verb: banter

1. Be silly or tease one another

Call it what you may, I find myself getting tired of it sometimes, even dreading it.

Case in point, I go early for my classes so that I might have time to sit down and have dinner. I’m usually the earliest one at the coffee shop since I work so close by. And as I wait for my food to arrive I find myself hoping against hope that none of my fellow trainees will join me. They always do.

I’d much rather sit alone with my thoughts and or let my mind wander off into the great unknown if I so please. But I find myself interrupted, which could be all right under certain circumstances except that the ‘conversation’ always involves a lot of teasing, ribbing, smart aleck comments and I find myself obliged to respond in kind or even defend myself sometimes. If it happened once in a while, it’d be refreshing even invigorating perhaps, but after one too many times (even though I can more than hold my own) I just get fed-up and find myself longing for privacy or some kind of meaningful conversation. Unfortunately I have to grin and good-naturedly bear it, because if I am moody or silent or calm and reflective, that draws even more attention.

Perhaps I am getting more and more anti-social: having less of a stomach for frivolity. I used to hold it (banter) in quite high regard actually, having some talent for it, but now it just seems…empty. Sure it’s good for a few laughs and it does break the ice. But how many times do you need to break the ice before you can go beyond it? I suppose if it never gets past that, then it’s time to walk away.

It’s raining, quite heavily. Astro’s out as is usual, not like I was watching it anyway, just had it on mute, flickering at me so as not to disturb a certain slumbering someone. It’s past 12 midnight which means essentially it’s Monday already. Hm, don’t feel blue yet, that’s good I suppose.

I was just thinking of how bored I always feel. Nothing seems to interest me very much. Life just seems to plod on at a sedate pace with nothing but drab scenery all around. Whenever I dwell on it for even a short period of time it’s enough to set of an extended round of moodiness and depression. Conjuring things to look forward to does help to an extent of making the drudgery more bearable but it’s just a temporary means.

I want a passion that lasts, an interest that sustains. I guess it’s the cliché of wanting to find meaning, a reason for continuing to live, a purpose. Without it, everything seems so trivial, so unnecessary, such a complete and utter waste of time. And all the while time just slips by unchecked. I dare not think about a future filled with this never-ending emptiness.

There has to be something more than this.